by captain america on 23/11/11 at 6:01 amWashington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)
In the wake of the failure of the Super Committee to find a solution to the nation’s indebtedness after 4 months, President Obama today reached out to Jon Corzine, one of his party’s finest financial minds, to help solve the monetary mess!
According to Obama, who was on his way out the door to visit Bali and Bangkok, “It’s obvious a Super Committee wasn’t enough, and that’s why I appointed Jon to head up the SUPER DUPER committee to work on the problem and report back to me sometime in the next 12 months. I’m sure he’ll come up with some great schemes to get this country of lazy, under achieving Americans back to work again!”
Corzine who cost Goldman Sachs millions with his shoot from the hip investments against all senior advice, and went on to MAKE millions for himself after taking the company public, is himself still searching to find the REAL thief at MF Global after bad bets on Greek Bonds, Portuguese Paper, Spanish Spin offs and Irish Derivatives led to $1.2M ‘gone missing.’
Luckily, since MF declared bankruptcy just a few weeks ago leaving him at loose ends, the ever opportunistic Corzine jumped at the chance to serve his President, His Country, His Ego and his Pocketbook, but not necessarily in that order.
In between stints at GS and MF, Corzine bought himself the governorship of New Jersey, leaving the taxpayers with an $8B shortfall and a host of unsupportable union contract deals, some of which were negotiated with his mistress at the time.
Said one disgruntled Jersey boy, identified only as DK to protect him from his liberal neighbors, “that guy will never change, he’s thinks he’s so smart, he even named that bankrupt company after himself…M*******F*****er!!”
Obama granted Corzine immunity from impending prosecution in order for him to take the job and enable him to make emergency flights to Berlin, Dublin, Paris, London, Barcelona and Lisbon in addition to Brussels in order for him to get a handle first hand on the worsening global economy.
Traveling with Corzine will be Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner to discuss pertinent ‘tax issues’ and former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi as a hedge in case they need to stop at the Vatican and badger the Pope into floating a bond issue at 8.5% interest to the bankrupt Treasury Department.
Pelosi, who claims she has an inside track to the Pope who takes her advice on abortion issues and birth control, is confidant that she can wrangle some ‘favored nation’ terms from the Vatican Bank for a short term bail out, claiming that she has some ‘insider’ information the Pope can use to increase his personal stock portfolio and net worth, including some upcoming solar panel company IPO’s backed by a loan program from the Department of Energy.
As a quid pro quo, Pelosi said she would be offering a pledge from Attorney General
Eric Holder to halt all future prosecutions and payouts to victims of pedophile Priests, Bishops, Football Coaches, College Mascots , or Tele Evangelists, but not including
Inmans or Rabbis.
Despite claims by Corzine that a recent $500,000 campaign contribution he gave to the Democratic party from his personal funds was not connected to MF Global, the White House claims they have NO RECORD of ANY funds received on behalf of Mr. Corzine in their continued effort to promote Transparency and ‘Drain the Swamp’ campaign in Washington.
When asked why he picked Corzine to head up the SUPER DUPER, Obama said only,“Because Bernie Madoff is still in jail and unavailable…at least at the current time!”