by captain america on 17/12/11 at 9:05 amFort Gonorrhea, Nevada – (SatireWorld.com)
Sources within the Department of Defense confirmed today that the mystery of Iran’s capture of a sophisticated spy drone has been linked to Wikileaks suspect Private Manning and his fiance, a
25 year old technical Sergeant reportedly in charge of the drone at the time it went missing!
According to sources, the FBI has been tracking what went wrong with the Army’s vetting process which enabled Manning to be put unsupervised in charge of highly sensitive and classified information even after a series of bizarre incidents which were indicators of a very disturbed and unstable individual.
During the course of the investigations, the trail led to Manning’s lover, and according to reports, his fiance, Sergeant Bruce Milquetoast, who was involved with the Air Force’s secret drone program located in a bunker somewhere deep in the Nevada desert.
Milquetoast, said to have been a top Xbox competitor, was signed to the program after being noticed by Air Force security as a top game player, and offered a lucrative signing bonus plus the rank of Sergeant in order to lure him into the service.
According to the FBI the Army and Air Force counterintelligence groups responsible for checking out prospective enlistees, never checked out their personal Facebook pages which clearly showed their
gender confusion, not to mention their aversion to the war, and their affinity of allegiance to various anarchist hacker groups.
Manning was arrested in 2010 after dumping thousands of classified documents into the hands of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who promptly made them public leading to a multitude of arrests and executions of clandestine intelligence sources, and a rift in international relations between several of the US’s allies.
Ironically, the leaks were dropped by Manning shortly before he was due to be discharged after he struck a woman officer in the face, and had violent encounters with other members of his detachment from the 10th Mountain Division, based in Baghdad, only the latest in a history of disruptive behaviour which leads anyone with an ounce of common sense to question why this individual was placed in a sensitive, and mostly unsupervised position.
Additional sources from NASA and the CIA have since confirmed that the RQ170 Sentinel drone was piloted to a safe landing in an isolated section of Iran where a group of Iranian scientists were waiting to receive it intact.
Back checking surveillance logs in the Nevada control room Milquetoast was seen controlling the joy stick, manipulating and disarming the self destruct mechanism and gliding the drone into a well marked landing strip outlined by over 150 Iranian soldiers on camels holding candles.
“This is undoubtably a sad case of unrequited love,” said Army defense council Colonel Mumahd el Kaboom. “Private Manning and Sgt. Milquetoast were devastated when the Army refused to permit a sex change for Bradley, and the Air Force disallowed a transfer request into their service in order for the two to consummate their impending marriage and serve together. It’s tragic when Human Rights are trampled, and I’ll do my best to right these wrongs!”
Manning has finally been brought before a hearing at Ft. Meade, Maryland, while Milquetoast has been temporarily relieved of drone duty and transferred into a top secret facility where he is overseeing document security where he ‘can’t do any more damage,’ according to Air Force Counterintelligence sources.
Oliver Stone has announced that he is planning to make a movie about the two soldiers which he said ‘will be bigger than “Love Story,” and hopes to have Sean Penn and George Clooney star as the
“patriotic” whistle blowers (sic) including several scenes where the two are shown locked in compromising sex scenes while visions of Hugo Chavez and the strains of “God Bless America” play in the background.
Michael Moore said he can’t wait for the opening.