Heaven Help Us! 2012 Predictions from Beyond the Grave Uncovered!

by on 03/01/12 at 10:45 am

2012 PREDICTION....Colonel Juan will complete is sexual re-assignmnt by installing two large plastic tits filled with Stella and a spigot for his drunk friends.

The staff at Satire World was stunned today when they uncovered a set of predictions thought dead and buried with former scribe MORSE who had died under not so mysterious circumstances from knife wounds in the back during an ill fated sojourn into the murky realm of British Satire!

The unedited and uncensored manuscript written in long hand was discovered at a Pawn Shop in Orlando, Fl.after they were traded for an Ak-47, a .357 Magnum Derringer, a Remington pump shotgun, a cross bow, and a Kenyan Blow Gun traced to the ever expanding genealogical and welfare family of Barack Hussein Obama.

A spokesman at the pawn shop would only say that the man who pawned the manuscript was “probably the most interesting man in the world with ties to the NRA, Seal Team 6, the Delta Force and a staunch critic of the Warren Report.

Satire World Editor Bargis Tryhol said he was shocked at the discovery, and said compared to the now ‘infamous’ Dorking Report, a commissioned investigation of attention deficit syndrome in the UK, was “PRICELESS!”

Tryhol said he was working out a deal with Kindle to publish all the predictions, and offered only a few as a startling trailer prior to publication:

*Canadian humourist Lady Godiva will be the first Port Dover, Canada resident to discover KY Jelly is good for ‘chapped lips and saddle sores and not just for repacking wheel bearings.

*Country Boy Throckmorton will cure his Crones and irritable bowel syndrome when he discoverers eating hot peppers is not conducive to normal bowel movements. He will be henceforth be known as “Mr. Metamucil” in his daily constitutional wisdom column.

*Someone who is near and dear to us will recover from his painful back problem and return to Satire World to regain his title as “King of Snippets.”

*The Scarlet Pimpernel will receive an OBE from the Queen Mudder in a secret ceremony honoring whistleblowers.

*It will take 3,000 Euros to buy a Toasted Cheese Sandwich in Brussels and 15 British pounds for a Kabob on High Street.

*Brazil, the country that just surpassed England to be the 6th richest country, will purchase the two unfinished aircraft carriers from the Royal Navy, using foreign aid funds supplied by….The UK!

* Emigration will surpass Immigration in the UK, but not by much, as Brits flee to warmer climes to take advantage of liberal heating allowances for ex-pats.

*Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton will switch positions in the run up to the 2012 election with Biden’s leadership as Secretary of State encouraging Iran, Syria, and Egypt to bomb Israel thanks to funding from Saudi Arabia.

*English war vets will now be required to speak Arabic in order to secure a place in the Queue for Council Housing and be considered for jobseekers allowance.

*Lady Bercow drops her sheet in public after bad case of bedbugs and dust mites causes uproar and divorce with dwarf husband who complained, “she just had an itch I couldn’t scratch,’ referring to her penchant for exhibitionism.

*David Miliband is forced to reveal he is a closet bed wetter to combat labour critics who claim “every time he opens his mouth he pisses all over himself!”

*Nick Clegg cuts his 4 hour work day to 2 hours, citing increased ‘household domestic chores’

*Scandal in the State Department as ‘Hummer” Weiner’s ties to Muslim Brotherhood were never investigated by the FBI as thousands of Hillary Clinton’s embarrassing memos wind up on Al Jazeera.

*Private Manning escapes punishment as he invokes “don’t ask, don’t tell” Clinton Policy.
“They never asked me if I was a gay anarchist with an anti-American agenda when I joined the Army, so I never told them a thing,” said the disgruntled activist.

*Center for Disease Control (CDC) records on Obama’s DNA are leaked proving he never fathered any children with Michelle. Parent hood search now centers on Dennis Rodman, Tiger Woods and Wilt Chamberlain.

* Cunard re- reflags the ‘3 Queens’ to San Francisco after Hamilton Bermuda officials refuse to allow gay marriage ceremonies on board. “It was a revenue decision,” says a spokesman for Cunard, speaking with a lisp.

*Pippa Middleton sues NHS over silicone caulking butt enhancement fiasco.

*Prince Charles hospitalized after Queen’s claims “he won’t listen to reason’ is traced to impacted ear wax from years of Q-tip abuse.

*Doctor Phil reveals Obama’s impotence can be traced back to his wedding night. More as we get it.

*More Unsafe at Any Speed: Obama financed cars, Fisker and Volt, recalled as battery start up companies financed by him ‘could tend to catch on fire and blow up’ leading to “minor inconvenience’ to motorists trapped when their seat belts won’t release. BTW: if your Chevy won’t stop, just coast through the window of any Obama Motor dealers to have them install the brake pads they forgot!

*David Cameron calls on Somalian Navy to help them protect the Falklands. Sheep Flee in Terror!

*Debbie Wasserman Schultz says she loves her Florida base of Jewish voters, but “Netanyahu curls my hair’ in anti-Israeli rant on The View. Israeli spokesman responds calling her a ‘fat assed Jewish-American Princess with a big mouth who hates oral sex!”

*Barney Frank undergoes Breast Reduction Surgery in Massachusetts and praises Romney Care for no out of pocket expenses. Liberal Mass voters now taking another look at Mitt in run up to election.

*Newt on Pictures of him and Pelosi on Couch: I may have had sex with that woman, Nancy Pelosi, but
it depends on what your definition of bestiality is….!”

*John Huntsman asks Wisconsin Voters: What am I….Swiss Cheese?”

*Oprah forced to go on diet and eat her own words after TV channel garners 38,000 viewers despite Rosie Show where the diva claims FDR bombed Pearl Harbor and the Bush administration destroyed all Barry Obama’s transcripts , birth certificate(s), and Vietnam War records including Medal of Honor.

*Al Sharpton and Maxine Waters inked for 2012 ‘Dirty Dancing with the Stars’ lineup.Sheila Jackson Lee demands dance selections not include any “Boogie Woogie!”

*OWS incorporates as Tax Free Non Profit Charity, excludes any from membership who don’t have a college degree from an Ivy League College or who have a credit score under 690.

*Former Hawaii high school student now admits he took Obama’s SATs. Eric Holder dismisses claims saying the ‘statute of limitations’ has run out, detains man with no charges under new law to arrest US citizens without due process on ‘domestic terrorism’ charges.

*Obama’s Aunty Zulu, who finally got amnesty after being ordered deported 8 times, applies for a Massachusetts gaming license now claiming she has Mashpee Indian Blood after hooking up with a Cape Coder on Facebook. Governor Deval Patrick orders her application be ‘fast tracked’ in order to forestall claims of racism.

* Senator Scott Brown narrowly defeats Harvard Professor ‘Dizzy’ Lizzy Warren thanks to debate where she claimed her Harvard Education granted her the right to tell the rest of her constituents what to think and how to share their wealth. Crashing her BMW into an ABC liquor store while talking on her cell phone didn’t help.

*Interest in Satire World reaches new high after Obama is defeated in 2012 and is credited with
‘causing REAL CHANGE in America. Editor Tryhol promises no increase in subscription prices, and vows to increase staff salaries ‘by at least as much as government workers under the previous administration”

If you want more, you’ll simply have to go out and buy the book!

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6 Responses to “Heaven Help Us! 2012 Predictions from Beyond the Grave Uncovered!”

  1. Lady Godiva

    Jan 3rd, 2012

    WOW! You’ve ‘outdone’ yourself with this one Cap.
    Love it!
    I remember dear Morse…he was one of the writers who was actually ‘nice’ to me over at that Satire site. Such a gentleman, which can’t be said for some of the other ‘forum dwellers’.
    He’s in a ‘happy place now’.

  2. Captain america

    Jan 3rd, 2012

    …I set out to put more words on paper than our dear fellow scribe Throckmorton PoopBottom…I think I succeeded!

    ,,,as for our dear editor…same old shit…”Check’s in the Mail!”

    …must be the Royal Mail! BASTARD!

  3. Lady Godiva

    Jan 3rd, 2012

    Well, at least he said ‘CHECK’S’ in the mail. You’ll never guess what he bloody well daid to ME……

  4. Captain america

    Jan 3rd, 2012

    …he must be BANNED!!!!

  5. Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

    Jan 3rd, 2012

    Metamucil? Ain’t that what them bitchy women take who are going through “metapause?”

    Don’t ask Lady Godive, cuz she’s still bitchy and obviously ain’t takin’ nothin’ fer it.

  6. Lady Godiva

    Jan 4th, 2012

    I AM so taking something ‘fer it’. I take a good dose of Satire World daily….So far, so good. I am much improved over what I WAS….

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