Colts, Cowboys, Jets Involved in Ballbuster Trade: Obama Set to Intervene for the good of the game!”
by captain america on 04/01/12 at 4:27 pmDallas, Texas – (SatireWorld.com)
Taking some of the luster off the upcoming NFL playoffs, (PLAYOFFS??), three of the leagues most dysfunctional teams announced their intentions for a blockbuster trade, labeled ‘a ball buster’ by President Obama, who has threatened to intervene and mandate a government takeover of the league!
Sports fans were more than a bit confused as the story started to unfold after last Sunday’s final league games, with former powerhouse, the Indianapolis Colts, ‘winning’ first choice in the upcoming draft lottery…by losing….AGAIN!
That was followed by crushing season ending defeats for he Jets, coached by their ‘toe sucking’ coach Rex Ryan after promising to win it all this year, and shortly after by the Dallas Cowboys being humiliated in yet another meltdown on their defense coached by the league’s 2nd biggest loser, and also fat and mouthy, brother Rob Ryan.
This is where the plot thickens. The Colts completely collapsed this year after franchise quarterback, Peyton Manning, came down with ‘Giraffe Necktacarpal Syndrome’, rare, but not unsual for people with necks longer than their forearm. Peyton had 3 operations in 19 months, and was unable to compete during the entire season.
Colts owner Jim Irsay immediately fired his vice president and general manager, but should have fired himself as well for not being more like Pats coach Bill Belichick and having a quarterback in the wings to step in, like Belichick when Tom Brady was a late sub and never came out of the lineup.
Irsay, said to be an impulsive man, took about 4 minutes to assess his options:
*I’ve just won the #1 pick in the lottery.
*That pick will earn me Andrew Luck, the next franchise quarterback in the league despite being a white boy.
*Manning may not pass a physical. If he does he’ll surely be hurt again. Peyton is 37.
*And by the way: We owe Manning $28M in March to keep him on the roster.
Apparently Irsay was quick to pick up the phone and call Cowboy’s owner Jerry ‘Friggin’ Jones, who it has been reported, was just about to call him.
Jones, who is claimed to be ‘more than a little hands on’ with his coaching staff, was said to be ‘fed up’ not only with Bob Ryan, but with his underperforming flower child quarterback Tony “the homo” Romo as he is known by most of the Dallas rough and tumble fans.
Just like Irsay, Jones should have fired himself a long time ago. He got rid of one of the best coaches in Jimmy Johnson, and followed him up with a bunch of brown nosing ‘yes’ men who he overshadowed, which led to a series of failures when the coaches did not have the respect of the players.
Anyway, here’s how the deal looks like it’s shaking out, barring any government interference:
Jones, who owns the world’s second most highly valued sports franchise after Manchester United, at $1.65B, and brings in $269M in revenue, is willing to gamble on bringing over Peyton Manning, a proven winner to his ‘loser franchise’.
In return, Irsay gets Tony the Homo, Fat F****Ryan, who he hopes will beef up the defense, and a bunch of cash so he can go out and hire the other Fat ****Ryan brother away from the Jets, and they might even be able to ‘double down’ and snag his 4th quarter choking QB as a back up for Romo!
The thought process here must be, if you take 3 F*****g losers and put them together, you’ll wind up with a big FAT F*****g winner. Are you with me??
Obama wasn’t either saying only, “WTF!” His next call was to Eric Holder to discuss yet another
government takeover so he could not only install his own Football Czar, but pick his fantasy team, rebuild the Washington African-AmericanSkins, and most importantly, sign over league and team profits to the government and the proposed African-American Players Union, a move roundly praised by Sheila Jackson Lee, Maxine Waters and the rest of the Black Caucus who broke the huddle and rushed into the ‘hurry up’ offense before anyone else knew what was going on.
Said long time coach Bill Parcells, if we don’t put a stop to this shit it’ll be worse than Lane Kiffen leaving Tennessee with only a TOILET BOWL in their trophy case!
Said Michelle Obama, ‘for the first time in my life I’m beginning to love Football more than Basketball!”
Stay tuned for more late breaking football news from your government concerning a Rex Grossman trade for Mike Vick, amnesty for drug abusers, government rebates for paternity payments, cash for late model Escalade trade ins, relaxing of the dress code, and the encouragement of end zone celebrations
As we go to press Holder is drawing up immunity and pardons for the following former footballers, and reinstating them on the Oakland Raiders team beginning with spring training in 2012:
Nate Newton, Laurence Phillips, Dwayne Goodrich, Cecil Collins, O.J. Simpson, Stanley Wilson, Rae Caruth, Darryl Henley and Robert Rozier.
Holder said Art Schlichter is not being considered for release at this time under the ‘American Terrorist’ act.