Historians and Archaeologists Believe Recently Discovered “Journal of Jesus” May Be Fake

by on 13/01/12 at 5:03 am

A popular computer maufacturer's attempt to cash in on the 'Jesus Journal' went to extremes when it claimed Jesus kept his diary on a laptop. Scientists disproved that theory basing their conclusion that a laptop with the complete Bible imbedded would soon run out of power and electricity wasn't invented yet in order to recharge it. Ronco claims it has the 'original recharger' that worked off chariot power!

In other news.... Rome, the Pope denied the rumor that Jesus had a Ronco website that sold miracles and cures.

Jerico, Israel – (SatireWorld.com)

According to a story by CNN and MSNBC, through unconfirmed sources, historians, scientists, and archaeologists attempting to authenticate the recently discovered “Journal of Jesus” that it may be a fake. The journal, supposedly discovered in a cave in Jordan by MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough while hinking in the desert with his dog Joker, has been the matter of much speculation, worship, and controversy since it was revealed to the public two years ago.

The journal purports to be a diary of Jesus Christ from his early years before his journey to the temple at the age of twelve.

Dr. Mavis Hubbardson of the Harvard Divinity School, head of the research team, said that the journal is suspicious and may not be authentic for the following reasons:

1. A young Jesus probably did not have best friends by the names of Fred, Lumpy, and Julio.
2. In Hebrew, the nickname for Jesus is not “Chuy” (pronounced “Chewey”).
3. The young boy probably did not sell his feces for extra money by marketing it’s curative properties as “Holy Crap.”
4. Jesus probably didn’t write his diary in English with a Bic pen on a Big Chief tablet.
5. There is no recorded history of Mary and Joseph taking Jesus and his siblings to Coney Island the summer after he turned ten.
6. As such (see #5 above), it is doubtful that he cured all of the participants in the Freak Show or cured those with upset stomachs from the Tilt-a-Whirl.
7. Joseph was not a mobster known by the name of Joey the Carp.
8. There is no evidence that Jesus turned his water into Dr. Pepper.
9. Jesus probably didn’t celebrate the 4th of July, as there is no Jewish month of July and the American revolution was centuries in the future. He also probably didn’t light firecrackers, bottle rockets, or sparklers with his finger.
10. When Jesus played war games, the bad guys were not the Krauts, the Japs, or the Injuns.

The company that found the journal, Ronco, has been selling copies all around the world. A new religion has developed from the purported diary that has all members sending $29.99 per month (plus $7.95 postage and handling) to the company to get a copy of the next chapter in the journal (but wait, there’s more!). Each monthly tithe also brings a new Christ blessed charm for their charm bracelet (in authentic faux gold plate).

Other Ronco religious products that the research group are investigating are:
1. Autographed pictures of the prophet Abraham
2. Slivers of wood in the shape of popsicle sticks from Noah’s Ark (some of which include juice stains that chemical analysis reveals as being from popsicles)
3. Certified pieces of the original Ten Commandments destroyed by Moses (numbered for authenticity and only sold a maximum of five to a customer)
4. Authentic dried fig leaves and apple seeds from the Garden of Eden
5. The “12 Sons of Jacob” commemmorative plate series, as used in ancient Jewish homes during Passover (issued in cooperation with the Franklin Mint).

Persons who have given any money to Ronco for these items should be aware that the IRS has determined these purchases are not tax deductible as religious/charitable contributions.

13 Responses to “Historians and Archaeologists Believe Recently Discovered “Journal of Jesus” May Be Fake”

  1. Bargis

    Jan 13th, 2012

    Stories like this explain why Jman is the master!

    • Jalapenoman

      Jan 13th, 2012

      Why thank you! I basically wrote this story in my head on a road trip yesterday. I couldn’t wait to get home to my computer to type it in and send it.

  2. captain america

    Jan 13th, 2012

    ….Jesus discusses ‘cover 4″ defenses, the option play, the
    ‘end around’, and why soccer is the work of the devil…..

  3. Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

    Jan 13th, 2012

    I almost wonder if this Jesus saved cereal box tops for secret decoder rings or x-ray vision glasses.

  4. Captain america

    Jan 13th, 2012

    …I saved all his Wheaties Bowl appearances…..

    ….they’re in my fridge…frozen in time…

  5. Harold Worth

    Jan 13th, 2012

    That’s quality. Good stuff there. Hats off.

    • Bargis

      Jan 13th, 2012

      Harold, not sure if Ronco is popular in the UK. But Jman hit it on this one. Ronco is a infomercial company that buys ‘dead time’ on TV channels and broadcasts commercials for their sometimes goofy appliances, and often crappy, kitchen aids and utensils. The commercials are sometimes an hour long and has the presentation like you stumbled into a talk show with the Ronco CEO, Ron Popiel, as the host….They pretty much coined the advertising phrase and sale closing tag line….’But wait! There’s more!

    • Jalapenoman

      Jan 13th, 2012

      Thanks for the compliment. It was a fun one to write.

  6. Harold Worth

    Jan 13th, 2012

    Like the Elvis Princess Diana Life Of Christ In Cats Plate Of Hope Limited Edition.

    Heard of ’em. Thankfully no more.

    • Bargis

      Jan 14th, 2012

      Yeah, and of course they’re always ‘numbered limited edition’ or ‘collector’s editions,’ made in China by the millions.

  7. captain america

    Jan 15th, 2012

    ….hey, lay off Ron! I bought his rotating meat grill 10 years ago.
    After it arrived I laughed and gave it 2 weeks….we’re still using it..

    …try a standing rib roast or chicken on it…SET IT AND FORGET IT…18 minutes a lb for roast beef which comes out better than in a 5 star restaurant…..the guy was a genius in coming up with cheap products that worked and marketing them…

    …I’d rather watch an hour of Ron selling his products, than today’s politicians selling shit with voter incentives toting “…wait, if you act now you’ll get amnesty, a free cell phone, a $7500 rebate on a Chevy Volt and WiFi and a big screen in every house….”

    …and in Chicago they’ll PAY YOU $19.95 for your vote, or your dead grandparent’s……

    • Bargis

      Jan 15th, 2012

      LOL…I must confess..I bought a Ginzu knife from the guy and it’s still sharp! A bit rusty from being in the tackle box, but still cuts bait! I liked his pocket fishing pole…Made him millions! But wait…There’s more!

  8. Captain america

    Jan 15th, 2012

    ….not for nothing….what were you fishing for in your pocket?

    …never mind…bait for Barney, right!

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