by captain america on 15/01/12 at 8:53 amRome, Italy – (SatireWorld.com)
In yet another embarrassing crash involving the European Union, an Italian Cruise ship steered 4 miles off course into unchartered waters off Italy, and promptly sank, yet another victim of Italian
false bravado and blatant irresponsibility.
According to a spokesman for the line “how were we to know there was a rock there…it was the first time we sailed so close to the island, and with no current charts we were forced to use “Dead Reckoning,” unfortunately it didn’t work out!”
The ship, over 900 feet long and built in 2006 at the cost of $700M, had a passenger list of 2500 and a crew of 1000. The manifest, which was finally found in the abandoned bridge, indicated that it consisted of 1,000 Italians, almost 500 French, a few hundred Brits, and only about 100 Americans.
“It was a recipe for disaster,” said one long time Cruiser, commenting on a well known cruise site, “passengers described the scene as ‘chaotic’ as the captain was slow to declare an emergency, people fought over life jackets, and once a few life boats were in the water helmsmen who didn’t speak English didn’t know how to pilot the boats. If only 200 Germans had been on board the evacuation would have been orderly and maybe not even necessary…the Germans are engineering masters on the latest techniques when it comes to bailing out sinking ships!”
So far many scenarios have been reported from accredited journalists, including the rumour that the ship listed severely to port after Italian passengers rushed to the buffet after hearing that it was featuring an ‘all you can eat scungili midnight salad bar with pitchers of ‘dago red,’ a phenomena that could have left the ship at a 45 degree angle causing it to become ‘wop sided’ and unable to right itself.
The discovery of a 160 foot gash under the water line with a massive ‘unyielding object’ protruding from the hull, seems to discredit that scenario, but investigators have declared that finding ‘inconclusive pending further review.’ Swedish officials were quick to point out that they had no ships in the vicinity despite rumours that a herring trawler from Stockholm was spotted earlier in the day near the coast line.
So far 3 people have been found dead in the water, at least 3 others are in critical condition after suffering from hypothermia after being ejected from life boats for ‘excessive garlic breath’ by English passengers, and over 40 are still not accounted for.
A South Korean couple on their honeymoon were found alive by divers in their cabin after hearing ‘strange thumping noises’ still locked in what was described as ‘an intimate, compromising position’ and were unaware that the ship was in distress, despite rescuers finding them upside down on the ceiling of their stateroom.
A PR spokesman for the line announced that the Captain and first officer had ‘miraculously’ saved themselves from getting wet by leaving the ship about 2 hours before the last passenger was evacuated and praised them for their ‘foresight and alacrity in keeping ‘the Italian maritime tradition alive.’
It was announced that the duo would be receiving the honorary “Andrea Doria” award for heroism in Rome and be blessed by the Pope in a special Vatican ceremony after an appropriate offering.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that under the circumstances Germany WOULD NOT send any German Martine experts to the scene saying crisply, ” we’re all done BAILING those BASTARDS out from sailing unchartered waters…let them float their own F******g boat….Bunga THIS…BASTA!”
Opposition UK leader Ed Sillyband was quick to contradict Merkel saying, ” we should send at least 40M Euros to help right the ship…it wasn’t their fault they steered the wrong course…besides, forgive and forget is my motto, after all, we’re all going to sink or swim together, right Komrade?”
Lloyds of London, said to have insured the ill fated ship, is said to have convened an emergency meeting after CEO Antonio Horta-Osorio, recently returned from a ‘nervous breakdown’ which kept him out of his office for two months, was said to have had ‘a mild relapse’ upon hearing the news.
Lloyds, established in 1688 to primarily insure British ships in the slave trade, counted over $21.97B in insurance premiums in 2009, and are said by industry sources to be ‘masters of the small print disclaimers in their policies,’ resulting in a 100% profit over the past several years.
Cruise Industry insiders are saying the disaster struck ‘a huge blow to the cruise business,’ and came at a bad time. With the world wide economic conditions and hundreds of boats to fill every week, lines were offering huge discounts.
At the same time bean counters worked on cutting costs by reducing food portions, only filling pools half way, diluting alcholic drinks, and cutting staff leading to 3 hour sit down meals.
Passengers have complained of luke warm showers,receiving only two towels per stateroom for a 2 week cruise being charged the EU minimum of $1.32 to use the public restroom facilities, and being told to bring their own life jackets and a 4 day supply of fresh drinking water, for which their would be a $15 ‘corking’ charge.
People in the street in London said that after hearing the news, they would be more apt to take the Channel Tunnel than the high speed ferry to the continent, if indeed they decided to leave the safety of their homes at all.
“Bloody ‘orrible ain’t it,” said one Brit, “first you can’t venture out on the street cause of the danger of drunken yobs with knifes, and now the sea ain’t safe…maybe that bloke from Ryanaire is really onto somethin’, you might wind up in someplace you weren’t plannin’, and you might wind up standin’ the whole time, but at least you know you’ll be dry when you git someplace eventually…and that’s all that matters, innit, EH?”
Ralph Nader was unavailable at press time for comment.