by Jalapenoman on 23/01/12 at 3:16 pmChicago, IL – (SatireWorld.com)
Barack Obama ordered one billion dollars of Federal funds be used to bail out the struggling Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). The cable channel, which would have failed on its own without the aid of the government, now has the ability to continue operating until after the upcoming election.
The President said that the network has become an integral part of American Family Viewing and is the main source of news and information for many people. He said that the current television structure in this country would collapse if people were not allowed or permitted to see Oprah Winfrey in their homes 24/7/365. In his own words, he said “Oprah Winfrey is our sister… our big sister… and it feels much better to know that we are watching her and that Big Sister is watching you.”
Part of the Federal Aid package to the network contains the following requirements and stipulations:
1. The OWN is free from the matching campaign advertising policies and is free to show commercials for only one presidential candidate of their choosing, at a much lower rate.
2. OWN is now required programming in all low income housing units (regardless of whether or not the people currently pay for cable television or have satellites), abortion clinics, free clinics, emergency rooms, homeless shelters, soup kitchens, and mental health units.
3. OWN will be the only network permitted to broadcast in Public Schools.
4. All libraries (public libraries and school libraries) will be required to purchase books approved and selected by the Oprah Winfrey Book Club. Books not approved by the Oprah Winfrey Book Club (such as 1984 and Animal Farm) will not be permitted in public libraries.
5. All persons shopping at book retailers such as Barnes and Noble will be required to purchase at least one Oprah Winfrey Book Club Selection on each visit.
In a related story, the Oprah Winfrey Book Club announced their February selection: Oprah Interprets The Consitution. An additional ten million dollars in stimulus money will ensure that copies of this are mailed to all Federal judges and high school civics teachers.