Grand Ole Opry Performer Under Investigation For Disappearance Of Fiance After Singing “Dead Girlfriends Don’t Get Headaches”

by on 25/01/12 at 5:50 am

In better days...C & W singer J. Dimwitty Philpott and 'little punkin' aka fianceee Thelma Lou Hoskins. Philpott says he doesn't know where Thelma is and claims he buried the hatchet over the past accusations of substance abuse and infidelity.

Nashville, TN – (

Country Singer J. Dimwitty Philpott is being investigated in the disappearance of his fiance, Thelma Lou Hoskins. Miss Hoskins has not been seen in the past three months, but police only begin considering Philpott a suspect after the release of his latest album. Previously, according to Detective Ron Whitehead, “we didn’t think Dimwitty did sumthin’ cuz he said he didn’t do nothin’.”

The title song on the album in question is titled “Dead Girlfriends Don’t Get Headaches.” Investigators believe that, due to the nature of some of the lyrics, they should begin to look closer into the background and relationship of Philpott to Hoskins.

Police also believe that the titles and lyrics of the other songs on his newest album may give them some clue to what happened to Thelma Lou. Other songs listed on that new album, in addition to the title track, include the following:
2. You Can’s Say “No” No More
3. I Done Bought My Last Box Of Tampons For You
4. If My Mother In Law Could See You Now
5. The Cheatin’ Stopped
6. I Can Leave The Seat Up Now
7. Don’t Tell Me I Can’t Watch Sports On Sundays In My Boxers
8. I’m Takin’ Your Cat Out Hunting Now
9. I’ll Put My Feet On The Coffee Table If’n I Want To
10. For Havin’ Such A Flabby Butt, You Sure Are A Tight Ass
11. It Sure Got Quiet Around Here
12. Pop a Cap, Again (based on the song by Jim Ed Brown)
13. “Shut The Hell Up” Finally Worked
14. I’m Usin’ The Damned Coasters As Clay Pigeons
15. I Still Think Yer Sister’s Got Better Tits

Some of the lyrics of one of the songs include the following:
“I hate watching yer damn chick flicks
cuz Sandra Bullock ain’t got tits
and the men are all nitwits
So shut up and fetch me a beer.”

“Your lady Oprah’s a fat chick
and Taylor Swift’s another flat chick
If I have to listen to ’em I’ll pass a brick
So shut up and fetch me a beer.”

“I don’t care if your head aches
Just spread out your damned legs
Before I knock you down a few pegs
So shut up and fetch me a beer.”

“You may be great in the sack
If I’m on top or on my back,
But don’t make me give you a whack
So shut up and fetch me a beer.”

“Just quit your belly achin’
If you think I care, you’re mistaken
You’ve got a bruisin’ in the makin’
So shut up and fetch me a beer.”

“When you live here in the south
you’d best learn to shut your mouth
I may have to shut it for you myself
And train my dog to fetch me a beer.”

Philpott originally rocketed to fame after the release of his first single “Tell Your Mama We Wasn’t Naked In The Hot Tub, We Was Just Skinnny Dippin’.” He won his first gold album and Grammy for “You Look Better’n A Rest Stop To A Truck That’s Gotta Pee.” Since then, all of his albums have gone Platinum or Double Platinum.

His personal life, however, has not been as bright and easy. Since becoming a County Music Singing Star and member of the Grand Ole Opry, he has been married four different times and lived with three other women. The last two wives have both been former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Wife number four dumped him last year when it was learned that he was “playing wingman for my buddy Tiger Woods to help git hisself back in the game!”

Hoskins, a golf groupie, had been his live in girlfriend since his last divorce. She has been described by others as “a lady with a real hot rack who couldn’t keep her mouth shut.”

Singer and suspect J. Dimwitty Philpott refused to be interviewed for this article.

4 Responses to “Grand Ole Opry Performer Under Investigation For Disappearance Of Fiance After Singing “Dead Girlfriends Don’t Get Headaches””

  1. Bargis

    Jan 25th, 2012

    Lowton, eat your heart out. This is satire.

    • Jalapenoman

      Jan 25th, 2012

      Actually, Lowton would have moved this story to Magazine on his website. This would be for two reasons: I included a rather long list (and he hates lists) and because I extensively quoted song lyrics.

      He would have had no appreciation for the story as a whole.

  2. Captain america

    Jan 25th, 2012

    …classic stuff worthy of the Satire Hall of Flame!

    ..who said Dead men can’t write?

  3. Jalapenoman

    Jan 25th, 2012

    Thanks for the compliments. It was a fun one to write.

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