by captain america on 02/02/12 at 10:05 am
Boston, MA – (SatireWorld.com)
Although Massachusetts congressman Barney Frank had earlier announced his ‘engagement’ and pending marriage to long time partner Jim READY,42, plans for the bachelorette party, wedding, honeymoon and wishes to raise a family had been left rather vague.
Frank, 71, ‘proposed’ shortly after announcing his ‘retirement’ when his congressional district had been re mapped, making it almost impossible to win yet another Congressional cycle in 2012 despite the liberal state of Massachusetts being the Northeast’s center of left leaning political correctness and blatant corruption and cronyism.
Frank, Congress’s first openly gay sitting ‘member’, has had his share of romantic entanglements that went ‘bottoms up.’
He was linked to Herb Moses, Fannie Mae’s director of ‘new mortgage products’ while he was head of the Congressional Banking Committee, and a strong supporter of no doc mortgages while shutting off investigations and proposed laws to control the maniac lending that led to the mortgage meltdown.
He was later tied to a male prostitute who he met after answering a gay escort ad in the local personals section of an underground Washington fish wrapper called AC/DC.
Steve Gobie promptly took up residence in Barney’s flat, and while the Congressman was giving the country the business, Gobie was scoring tricks out of the Congressman’s boudoir and running up over 33 parking tickets. When someone blew the Whistle (!), Congress was forced to act when it was found that Barney had ‘fixed’ all of the tickets, and also misled investigators concerning Gobi’s rather extensive brushes with the law.
In a precursor to the Charlie Wrangle debacle, Frank was ‘reprimanded’ by a vote of 408-18 and business resumed as usual.
In 2007 Barney took up with Maine ‘handyman’ READY, and they have been a couple ever since, even after cops raided Ready’s Maine home while Barney was playing house, and found 5 quite fertile marijuana plants. Barney pleaded ignorance saying he never noticed them in the house, didn’t know what marijuana was, and even if he did, he surely wouldn’t let an illegal joint passed his lips!
Amazingly for a congressman who didn’t know anything about the weed, he sponsored several bills supporting medical marijuana, and a failed bill to allow ‘responsible adults’ to possess, smoke and distribute small amounts to ‘friends.’
Be that as it may, Ready has started his own blog announcing the plans for the nuptials, and while not finalized here’s what has been gleaned so far:
*Barney has settled on an organza gown by Vera WANG (I am not making this up) featuring a high wasted bust (Think Michelle) with a seductive ‘off the shoulder flair.” There will be a two tier cathedral length veil accentuated with a horsehair headband. Acknowledging his long lost virginity, Barney chose a Plus size 26 in ‘rose petal pink’.
*Bridal Registration: The couple have registered at K-Mart, Target, Whole Foods, Home Depot as well as M&S and Tesco in the UK in order to accommodate Barney’s friends ‘over there.’
It seems the couple need just about everything from new sheets, pillow cases, comforters and extra large bath towels to electric toothbrushes, wrinkle creams and anal suppositories.
Barney also registered at Toys R Us as he has a penchant for ‘warm, furry and cuddly stuffed animals.’
Top of the want list is a 12k propane fired generator to power Ready’s hydroponic enterprise and ensure grow lights don’t go off, and to keep the shallow water well water flowing.
*Bachelorette party for about 125 will be held at the Crown and Anchor in Provincetown with entertainment provided by a host of the female impersonators who perform regularly and are wildly appreciated by both straights and gays . Headlining the cast will be Musty Chiffon acting as MC and cheerleader for the event in her trade mark lime green body stocking.
*Choice for the wedding location is trending toward an outdoor summer ceremony on the grounds of
Sandwich’s infamous “Camp Good News’, shuttered last year after more than a few complaints from former attendees, including current GOP Senator Scott Brown, that he had been molested there
in his youth.
*The couple plan to move from Newton, settling for summers in Provincetown, while keeping Ready’s abode in Maine as a ‘second home’ where they have already applied for reduced taxes on the property for an ‘agricultural/family farm abatement.
Patrick Kennedy III, who has announced he will be running to fill Frank’s seat in Congress said,”he’ll be a hard man to replace…Barney has done a lot for the State, not the least of which is to focus our citizens on the rights of rich liberal gays and lesbians who are part of the 1% of our population that support the other 99%. I only hope I can live up to his reputation of being all things to all people and saying everything they want to hear 100% of the time!”
Kennedy said he would be taking to the streets in order to “Schmooze” with all of Barney’s friends and important campaign contributors in the coming weeks and months leading up to the election.
Kennedy’s advisors have denied they are the source of leaks alleging that Patrick is bi-sexual in a ploy to garner more votes, and pointed their fingers at the Newt Gingrich campaign for what they called ‘spurious, unfounded, undocumented, allegations inspired by jealously.”
Shortly after the rumours appeared, Patrick announced his engagement to a fellow Harvard Alumni, practicing Catholic and former Nun, Mary Patrick O’Shannihan. Wedding details said to be forthcoming after he is elected.
Kerry Kennedy was announced as Financial Campaign Manager for the run, announcing that a Super Energy Pac, including Chevron and BP, has raised ‘almost $40M in pledges.”
Said Kerry smugly, “if you don’t know who to schmooze, you lose!”