by captain america on 04/02/12 at 10:22 amTehran, Iran – (SatireWorld.com)
Tensions in the middle east have ratcheted up in recent weeks upon reports that Iran is prepared to carry out state sponsored terrorist attacks throughout the free world to include both short and long range missile strikes.
Leon Panetta, the head of the not so secret CIA, who in recent weeks has leaked information about Seal Team Six, outed the Pakistani doctor who spearheaded the search for Osama Bin Laden, now tells the world he expects the Israeli’s to launch preemptive strikes on Iran’s nuclear sites even giving the coordinates for the attacks during an interview with Chris Matthews on CNBC’s “Hairball” in an attempt to sabotage Israeli strike plans and buy more time for Obama’s re election campaign.
Mean while, the president, citing his newly found Christian beliefs, asks the American voting public, “What would Jesus do?”
It was just revealed that for the past two weeks highly placed Israeli intelligence sources have been warning Jewish interests that they will be targeted in the upcoming months after learning of plans of fanatic muslim Iranians to hit both ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ targets around the world, without regard for ‘collateral’ damage, meaning the citizens of free world democracies are in imminent danger.
Iranian abortion rights groups, headed by planned parenthood cells, have affirmed the right to terminate the life of any infidel up to an including age 65, and decried efforts by right to life groups in the US to cut off donations to the UN funding them, a stance supported by Nancy Pelosi
and newly baptised convert to Christianity, Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
In keeping with his ‘religious tolerance’ priorities the President has asked Eric Holder, attorney general, to use the Department of Justice to launch a full scale investigation of the police department of NYC who apparently, in an attempt to keep the citizens of NY safe, launched increased surveillance of muslim religious centers in the city to keep an ear out for plots against humanity.
A spokesman for the DOJ said bluntly, “you can’t profile one group of people even though they have avowed to wipe you from the face of the earth. As the President has said from his pulpit many times, “I’m always reminded of my mentor, and close personal confidant, Jesus, son of God, in times of conflict, it is better to turn the other cheek. Allahu Akbar!”
Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has predicted this month that the world should stay tuned for a ‘big bang’ in the near future, predicting that the time has come when Zionists and the hated Americans will be wiped from the earth, leaving only muslim true believers to survive as they may after he brings on a scorched earth policy, apparently willing to absorb immense casualties
in the name of Allah.
Meanwhile, the Brits don’t seem all that concerned, as they have sent their state of the art destroyer the HMS Dauntless to the Falklands, known as the Malvinas by sheep loving Argentinians, while leaving their shores mostly unprotected leading up to the 2012 Olympic games and the
free passage into their country by European Union nations despite warnings from Israel that they expect terrorists to be infiltrating several countries using forged Israeli passports.
While Obama continues to poo-poo reports of muslim terrorist attacks, it has been learned that the First Family will be spending much of the time in the heavily fortified and bunkered Camp David facility. According to the pentagon they recently approved a $1.5M renovation in the camps concrete basement for an 18 hole championship putting green including a waterfall, several windmills, a tunnel, 3 sand traps and several foot baths.
It has also been revealed that Obama has suddenly replaced several secret service body guards, as well as his own valet and ‘go to guy’ with members of Hummer Weiner’s immediate family said to be high ranking members of the Muslim Brotherhood involved in personal security.
Said close aide Valerie Jarrett, “The president takes very seriously the threat of ‘collateral damage’ and is taking steps to prevent him becoming a statistic in the possible confrontation caused by Tea Party Fanatics, George Bush, Rush Limbaugh Fox News, and Billy Graham against proponents of Sharia Law who only wish whats best for the world after all the Jews are gone.”
Reverend Jesse Jackson, overheard talking to Reverend Al Sharpton during a fund raiser for Charlie Wrangle (sic) said incredulously, “Does this finally mean the end for Hymie town?”
Inside the Pentagon high ranking officers are said to be ‘upset’ with the Commander in Chiefs edict to have all ‘feet on the ground’ military troops armed only with rubber bullets and bean bag shot guns, and his demand to the naval fleet surrounding the Strait of Hormuz to carry only dummy warheads in the onboard arsenal.
Fears continue to rise that the US may be about to experience it’s first military coup in light of the revelations setting up a confrontation between the junta and Obama’s clandestine civilian military forces secretly armed during the past three years with funds from George Soros disguised as ‘Super Pac’ donations for the election campaign.
“It’ll be worse than Stalingrad,’ said one political observer, “the major cities will become a battle ground of street to street fighting as the fanatic Obama forces bring Jihad to America.
The only thing that could save everybody is if Putin gets involved and somehow Khamenei and Ahmadinejad succumb to food poisoning after toasting a new non aggression pact!”
Newt Gingrich has said he has ‘no dawg in this fight,’ and will remain neutral ‘until the dust settles and sees how this scenario plays out’ hoping he can regain support from any independent voters who may survive the upcoming ‘misunderstanding.’
Colonel Oliver North a keen military historian noted on his blog, “Does anyone remember the Gulf of Tonkin incident? ” in warning that history always seems to have a penchant to repeat itself.
Meanwhile through out the bazarrs of Iran political loudspeakers were belting out the latest musical message from the Ayatollah:
“Oh, life could be a dream (shaboom, shaboom)
If only all my precious plans would come true (shaboom, shaboom)
If Allah would let me spend my whole life bombing you
Life could be a dream you infidel you….”