by captain america on 09/02/12 at 12:20 pm
Orlando, FL – (SatireWorld.com)
Satire World (SW) Editor and Founder Bargis Tryhol announced today that Internet Juggernaut Facebook would be moving their corporate headquarters to his newly completed 800,000 square foot professional office park just outside Orlando, Florida, headquarters for his own internet empire.
Media spokesman for SW, Percival Pissgums, said the deal was under secret, secret negotiations for over a year in anticipation of Mark Zuckerberg’s impending $5B (Billion) IPO set to launch sometime in May of this year.
California, site of Zuckerberg’s empire and home to 3,000 employees, non over the age of 18, with many internet consultants not yet having reached puberty, had anticipated over $1b (Billion) of windfall taxes from Zuckerberg and his employees when they exercised their stock options involving hundreds of millions of shares.
According to state government sources, California Governor Jerry “moonbeam” Brown , anticipating the windfall, had given the ok to proceed with the Obama/Biden/Pelosi High Speed Rail system connecting San Francisco, Hollywood, and Las Vegas with a spur to the Bonneville Salt Flats to stimulate Nevada’s pension plan shortfall, and as payback to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, said to be suffering from ‘lack of nookie’ from casino owners pissed off at his failure to bring more revenue into the state and backing Obama’s ban on convention spending in the ‘city of lights.’
Zuckerberg alone announced he would be exercising 120M (Million) shares amounting to $4.5B(Billion) in deferred compensation meaning almost $1B (Billion) in taxes for the state of California.
Most of the 3,000 employees would become instant mega millionaires, including some, like itinerant house painter “Woody” Sullivan, who painted the first offices for shares of stock, who would become a billionaire, and all would be contributing to the California State Welfare system.
With all the hoopla, what has not been disclosed is that despite Facebook’s pretax income of $1.7B (Billion) in 2011, the stock options exercised would result in a charge off to the company of what the options were listed for and the estimated $40 per share offering purchase price.
It is doubtful that Facebook will be paying ANY Federal taxes in 2012, and may in fact receive a $500M rebate from the Feds.
Pissgums said Facebook had contracted for 400,000 square feet of ‘office’ space, roughly 9.3 acres of air conditioned housing at a record net/net lease of $1342 per square foot, a new record for commercial office space in a ‘down’ economy.
According to SW leasing agent Herbert Throckmorton, interior construction and furnishings will be the responsibility of Facebook, but they have agreed to a cost plus contracting fee with the Construction Wing of SW headed up by former DIY TV star Norm Abrams.
Said Norm, “It’s going to be awesome. We will have state of the art heating, cooling and refrigeration supplied by Bargis’s other company “Arctic Ice,” a company in the forefront of forecasting “Global Cooling’ and debunking Al Gore and the whole Carbon Tax Scam.”
“It won’t even look like an office inside, everyone will have their work space which will look like a theme inspired B&B with their own en suite bath and Jacuzzi, there will be a 15,000 square foot living quarters for Mark (Zuckerberg), a hanging meat locker, game preparation room and taxidermy station since Mark has declared he’ll only eat meat from animals he has killed, cleaned, and cooked himself.”
“There will be an indoor shooting rage, an armory, custom gun smiths and a Bass Pro Shop outlet solely for the use of employees during their breaks with 7 hours of every work day devoted to survival skills, marksmanship, and personal defense in the event the country comes to a halt due to anarchy when subscribers begin to ‘defriend’ each other.
Since Florida has no state income taxes, the move is a win-win for both Tryhol and Zuckerberg as they both look to the future.
An accountant for the Facebook Mogul said, ‘Just because we may be able to avoid taxes these next few years, thanks to Dodd/Frank and Charlie Wrangle, there’s no guarantee we won’t be faced with getting ripped off by California in the near future. The time was right to cement our relation ship with Satire World and work together to reward our employees, and even Satire Writers, with long overdue compensation…without Taxation!”
An IRS audit demanded by the Obama Administration found that 100% of SW Satire Writers DID NOT pay taxes during the past fiscal year, which they linked to Bain Capital, Mitt Romney, the Tea Party and the KKK.
One writer, living in a homeless shelter somewhere in Kentucky countered, “it’s hard to pay taxes when you don’t get paid and your only compensation is knowing that you’re pissing off a bunch of Harvard know-nothings, Global Warming scam artists, and the last hold outs from the Kennedy Clan!”
Unconfirmed rumours have the two internet giants collaborating on a new TV network tentatively scheduled to launch later this year.
While still un named but heralded as ‘The World’s Most Interesting Boob Tube,” with content mixing satire, political exposes, tips on stock investing, DIY workshops on spelling, sentence structure, 140 character Snippets and headline writing as well has how to capture prize winning nude photos for breaking entertainment features, sponsors are already lining up prepared to leave CNN, CNBC, OWN, ABC and even the BBC in order to latch on to what one network commenator claimed is a
Said TV executive producer Ivanna Phuque, “we’ll be 100% designed for the American viewing audience due to our sophisticated programming and strict right to free speech and opinion expressed by our contributors. At no time do we anticipate splitting up and dumbing down to accommodate the European Market or covering ‘soccer’…when you’re onto a good thing, why muck it up by shooting yourself in the foot!”