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Obama Touts First Economic Success: Opium Production Up 61%, Taliban Unemployment Down 15% in Afghanistan!

by captain america on 17/02/12 at 3:48 pm

Washington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)

Ever eager to tout just one economic achievement and to show a profit on just one Government Investment, President Obama called a national press conference to announce to the American Taxpayer, “See, I told you….I am not a LOSER,’ as he crowed over his administration’s success in Afghanistan.

To date the US has ‘invested’ over $500B (billion) and over 3,000 American Servicemen’s lives in his Afghan Stimulus Program (ASP).

On hand to cheer the President’s first win, and take a victory lap, were members from the FDA, ICE, DEA, TSA, ATF, CIA and the DOJ, not to mention a member of Michelle Obama’s healthy eating council against military obesity.

Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner made a power point presentation subtly highlighting the ineptitude of the Bush Administration when starting in 2001 Afghanistan was only able to produce 185 tons of opium.

While the amount increased during the Bush years, it was only after an infusion of cash, technological advancements, and transportation glitches were worked out by all the federal agencies that production soared to 5800 tons last year.

“A remarkable achievement by any standard,’ said Nancy Pelosi, currently under investigation regarding insider trading in the pharmaceutical market, investments in medical marijuana outlets in San Francisco, and a big fan of Tony Bennett, more on that later.

“And a big shout out too to the US Agriculture Department, ” said Obama, thanking them for introducing new crop dusting, fertilizing, and harvesting techniques.

Ray Lahood from the National Transportation Board was also credited with working with the Teamster’s Union to streamlining shipping methods, forging a new contract preventing strikes, and working with Homeland Security to smooth arrival of the product in the USA.

According to at least one whistleblower, who has disappeared, large shipments of ‘Powdered Arugula’ were deemed ‘off limits’ to port inspectors in the USA who were ordered to spend their time
stopping over 13,000 hair dryers from entering the country illegally as they weren’t safe to operate under water when plugged in.

The CIA will neither confirm or deny, that tons of heroin was allowed to pass into the country under “Operation Snortilicious” in an attempt to trace eventual purchasers of the product.

Said one higher up DOJ official, “we were able to trace some of it to Chicago, Los Angeles, Oakland, New Orleans,Houston, and Long Island, but somehow we lost track of the final destination in heavy traffic when we told our agents not to drive fast and furious and endanger civilians!

Afghan president Hamid Karzai has now been listed in the top 1% of Forbes Billionaires, slightly ahead of Al Gore, but behind Mexico’s president Felipe Calderon , and the country’s GDP now exceeds that of Great Britain.

Karzai recently announced his country’s space program, their construction of the region’s first nuclear reactor, the construction of 2 air craft carriers and their quest to be site of the 2020 Olympics after naming Sean Penn their Ambassador at Large for tourism and economic development.

Karzai also said the country would honour the recent death of Whitney Houston by flying the flag at half staff over government offices, opium labs, and customs offices.

Unfortunately current Secretary of State, and future World Bank President Hillary Clinton, was not available to take a bow for her efforts, but instead was on an emergency flight to Mexico after
Calderon instituted a class action suit against the US for “restraint of trade, unfair tariffs, and violation of the NAFTA Treaty’ declaring increasing Afghanistan trade with the US had ‘substantially harmed the well being of Mexico and could launch a drug turf war causing the deaths of another 45,000 Mexican Cartel members.”

The Secretary’s spokesperson, Humma Weiner, said she was confidant “that Ms. Clinton will be able to reach an amiable out of court settlement on the matter to prevent additional bloodshed and re boot the Mexican Tourist and recreational drug Industry.”

OWS supporters are said to be ‘over the moon’ over Afghan drug production, saying that crack, heroin and cocaine street prices are at all time low, and vowed to get out the vote for Obama in November.

“Hey man, the Dude finally delivered…our government checks go farther than ever and our cost of living went down 5% because of it,” said street person and University of California, Berkley student Rubin Weinstein, III, who is auditing Political Science courses at night.

A stringer for Satire World announced that after a nation wide investigation, “drug sales are rampant. I was in DC the other day and there were guys standing on Avenue D with signs saying “TOOT if you NEED SOME!”

Meanwhile legalize drug proponent Tony Bennet appeared on the Keith Olbermann show to debut his new anthem:

I left my syringe in San Francisco
High on a trip, I can’t get a grip.
To be where little white lines are never far
Just one snort sends me to the stars!
The morning marijuana fog may curl my hair
But I don’t care!
My habit awaits me there in San Francisco
Above the blue and windy sea
When I come home from rehab to you, San Francisco,
I know all my friends will still be there and waiting for me

Keeping up with her march against obesity, Michelle is reportedly preparing to advocate
the use of Methamphetamine to lose weight. “You take enough of this shit,” said one street user, “your teeth fall out and you can’t eat anything…the bitch be on to somethin!”

Barack Obama. Hmmm, Hmmm, Hmmm.