by captain america on 21/03/12 at 12:15 pmWashington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)
University of California Graduate, Climate Change Proselytizer and Nobel Prize winner Steven Chu, who doesn’t own a car, told a Congressional hearing that he deserves ‘stellar’ marks for guiding gas prices from $1.85 a gallon to $3.85 during his tenure in the Obama administration.
“I think I did a pretty good job in the context of things, ‘ he modestly pointed out to congressmen quizzing him on the inaction of the Obama regime as gasoline has hit some of the highest prices in history, topping out at over $4.00 in California, and in some parts of Florida.
“Look at the IPO for Government Motors, ” he said, “the stock share is down 26 % since we decided to design cars, mandate what people should buy, and created the next Edsel in the Volt!”
Said Vice President Biden, ” that should prove to the nay sayers that we know how to drive prices down! And further more, by getting gas prices up to $8 by the fourth of July I’m sure the number of rapes in Detroit will drop dramatically…..if you doubt me, check the statistics, with everyone out of a job, and no money to drive, nobody has the inclination to F**** around anymore! Now that’s good news for the gals like Sandra Fluke and translates into more cash for tuition and less cash needed for contraception, Change You Can Believe In…and that’s a BIG F****G DEAL!”
Said Chu, “I think increasing gas prices 52% in a little over three years shows that we’ve done everything we can to promote companies like Solyndra that were able to lose millions in less than a year! Quite frankly, I think that’s PRICELESS, and some recognition should be given for how hard we worked, considering none of us involved ever had any experience in business!”
Chu, who was appointed on his experience for studies in molecular and cellular Biology is a life time academic, having taught at the University of California, Berkley, much like the current Harvard Graduate who is currently listed as the President of the United States, CEO of Government Motors, sits on the board of AIG, Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, and just recently is said to have had a sexual encounter with the current Prime Minister of England during a ‘mile high’ experience on Air Force I.
Fellow Nobel Prize winner Al Gore, a Harvard Graduate his own self, is said to be a close personal friend of Chu, although he was never known for a ‘laser like’ mentality during his tenure as Vice President or his now discredited brief career in documentary film making.
Gore, in his later years, has inflated to be a carbon copy (NPI) of Herman Goering the sausage like Nazi leader who morphed into a flak balloon during the final days of the Hitler totalitarian regime.
Both Gore and Chu espouse the Global Warming Mantra, and have been pushing for the expansion of alternate power to replace fossil fuels in the US, and elsewhere in the world.
“We’ve got to find new power sources, “Chu explained, ” we’re forcing refineries to shut down all over the country thanks to our government regulations, muddling interference and our militant coalition with Green Peace, the Sierra Club, Rosie O’Donnell, Oprah, Whoopi Goldberg, Sean Penn, Madonna, Code Pink and The View.”
Chu has presided over a plethora of failed schemes, including Solyndra, costing the American Taxpayer millions, while Gore with his greedy fingers plunged into all sorts of ‘Green Companies”, incestuous Hedge Funds, and electric cars that can’t hold a charge, when they’re not on fire, has profited handsomely leading him to separate from his wife, and engage a full time staff of personal
massage therapists in order to relieve stress.
Meanwhile, the coast of California is littered with abandoned Wind Mills after government subsidies gave out, the ground is littered with the bones of American Eagles and other endangered bird species, and in the latest scam, a California wind farm has been granted $50M in SUBSIDIES to NOT PRODUCE electricity due to an overabundance at a hydroelectric plant!
Only the European Union, a now crumbling coalition of mostly corrupt and bankrupt socialist multi-cultural nations still proudly bear the Global Warming/Cap and Trade mantel of self immolation.
In the latest scam to fill their bureaucratic coffers in Brussels, they have mandated an unconscionable ‘carbon tax’ on all airlines flying over their airspace, a demand denounced by the US, China and Ryanaire which will surely lead to a boycott of airspace over the financially floundering EU.
Unfortunately, the ban will only affect cash laden tourists hoping to visit the countries and will not hinder the hordes flooding into the UK, France and Germany eager to quadruple their perceived human rights , job seeker and housing allowances under the Brussels mantra of “everyone’s a lottery winner’ as no one deems it necessary to find a job to support themselves.
Just last week President Obama touted a new proposal to convert pond scum (algae) into power, certainly something he took away from a recent meeting with Chu who has long proposed turning
tropical plants into glucose, which he sees as the next big thing in energy production as he envisions tankers of glucose being shipped around the world and being packaged into one shot syringes in his version of a 5 hour energy hit for couch potatoes watching the telly and playing Xbox.
Chu said he envisions thousands of Chinese Take Out dispensaries around the world for his Glucose Plan saying, “hey, it worked for my folks who had a Chinese Restaurant; people come in, get their hit, and 5 hours later they feel the need for another…growth potential is exponential…it’s so easy even a Harvard Graduate can figure it out!”
Presidential spokesman Jay Blarney (sic) said the President supports much of what Chu and Gore are espousing. “I think there’s something to this plant thing, ‘he said, ” I know Barry has told me when he eats his arugula he winds up producing a lot of gas…..!”