“Obama Advance Team on ‘Secret Servicing’ Not So Secret Anymore” Bill Clinton Laments!
by captain america on 15/04/12 at 4:32 pm
During the Clinton years, the Secret Sex Service were sworn to secrecy and patrolled the Washington bars for fresh Presidential Poontang.
A recent confrontation in Columbia between Obama’s Advance Team over the exchange rate for personal presidential services has revealed a long standing “perk’ instituted by former President and
skirt chaser Bill Clinton.
Twelve select (erect) members (NPI) of Obama’s selection committee were caught out prior to the President’s arrival to discuss the imbalance of the drug trade between South America and the United States, as they sacrificed their bodies in selfless acts to ‘protect the president.’
A former Secret Service Sex Surrogate, identified only as “Agent XXXX” told Satire World that the sexual selection staff was instituted by former President Bill Clinton after several unfortunate encounters with willing and unwilling women took their intimate experiences with the then President to the tabloids. Clinton’s problems were heightened when an intern smeared him on his own petard involving a blue dress during a 30 second interlude under the Resolute Desk.
Obama, who claims to have remained a virgin until he met his wife Michele at a Harvard Law Review Halloween Voodoo party, is said to have re instituted the squad after it lay dormant during the Bush years.
According to a White House source, Barry was overheard discussing the squad with former White House chief of staff, and now Mayor of War Torn Chicago, saying, “if the King had a food taster, why can’t I have these guys work for me taking a taste before I jump in with my boots on?”
According to SW South American stringer Earl Grey, who the Administration labeled a ‘right wing Tea Bagger’, the president’s advance team hit Columbia two weeks in advance to ‘test the market using a new and highly sensitive condom developed to insure the President’s security and complete satisfaction.”
Apparently, the product was so good, several of the staff became over zealous in their duties, carrying on with ‘heavy drinking, noisy limbo parties, and inappropriate ‘bunga-bunga’ parties in the exclusive hotel’s outdoor swimming pool, which had to be drained and sanitized.
All of this would have gone unreported except for the fact one of the agents wound up in a dispute when one of the ‘professional personal trainers’ retained by the unnamed agent refused to accept payment from a GSA Black American Express Card after it had been declined by the issuer due to recent allegations of mis use in Las Vegas.
Seems the card, with a $1m limit was ‘maxed out’ and was declined leading to a shouting match, and a tantrum that spilled out into the hotel’s hallway with the ‘victim’ shouting in Spanish, “you Bastard may be a private dick for the President, but I still expect to get paid! You think I’m some ignorant Gringo TaxPayer!! Besides,” she reportedly screamed pointing to the agent’s nether regions, ” you call THAT a STIMULUS….???”
The ruckus allegedly led the hotel management to call the US embassy which immediately notified the White House, and within minutes the call led to the premature ejaculation of all 12 agents from the country, resulting in their replacements with 12 gay body guards previously assigned to Congressman Barney Frank.
According to an official for the US Air Force, the embarrassing incident peaked the curiosity, not to mention a jealous rage, from the President’s wife, who ordered Air Force I back to Washington in order to pick her and her mother up to fly back to the scene of the incident and confront the President.
Meanwhile the President has been hospitalized in Bogota suffering from what was described as “painful pin pricks in the vicinity of his groin area,’ or as one Washington wag commented, ” it must be more of that Voodoo Economics left over from that BUSH he just can’t get over, despite Michelle banning his former aide to Syria!”
More as Earl goes ‘under the covers’ to interview the potential Presidential Interns.
Let’s Hear It!