Satire World… Of course it's true….It's the news!

Woe Mart Retains “Barracuda Barrister”; Counter Sues US Over Alleged Bribery Charges in World Court!

by captain america on 24/04/12 at 1:17 pm

Congressman Henry Waxman (D-CA) remarked to associoates that the WalMart charges irritated him so much...."It felt like a Armadillo crawled up his nose." He should know, in 1986, an Armadillo actually did crawl up Waxman's nose and was discovered during a hair cut when the barber mistook the hanging tail for a long nose hair.

Woe Mart, the international retail giant with ‘a few business ties to China’, has come under fire after charges of graft, corruption, and bribery surfaced in Mexico over the granting of building permits, causing the company to retain UK Barrister Baroness Regina Montgomery, known in the trade as the “The Barracuda from Barking!”

The Baroness, noted for her ‘take no prisoners’ court room tactics, has never lost a civil or criminal case in her illustrious career. In recent months she single handedly tore Ecuador’s bogus oil shake down case to shreds, shook the halls of Whitehall with a private investigation of expense account and sexual impropriety causing several MPs to resign, and is credited with saving face for Britain by personally financing the search for and exhumation of 28 long lost WWII Spitfires in Burma just in time for the Falkland defense thereby temporally saving the coalition.

Well noted for her trial preparation and rapier like wit steeped in ancient mythology and the reading of the Classics, she has been known to leave ill prepared, mentally inferior opponents reduced to sniveling, sweat and urine stained objects of ridicule thus ending their ill advised career.

Woe Mart was forced to react after California Congressman Harry “The Nostril” Waxman, also knows as ‘the Ferret’, “Snidely Whiplash ” and “Booger” to constituents, said he would launch an investigation into the allegations citing FCPA, the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.

Shares in WoeMex, the Mexican spin off fell 12% yesterday, to 37.89 Pesos ($2.88), while Woe Mart fell 4.7% to $59.54 in the US, single handedly helping to bring the Dow down $102.

After China and Russia, Mexico is listed as number 3 in the world as the most corrupt business entity for bribery, extortion, and soliciting , just slightly ahead of the AFL-CIO union, Al Sharpton’s non-profits, and Jesse Jackson’s religious foundation.

With Mexico’s non functioning corrupt government, paralyzed by the drug cartels, the US Chamber of Commerce scoffed at the charges saying, “in Mexico, if you don’t pay, you don’t play…what’s the big F****g deal?”

The Barracuda wasted no time going on the offensive, launching a brief sure to head quickly to the Supreme Court in a counter suit citing Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Defense Secretary Panetta, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and Treasury Secretary Tim “the tool” Geithner for ‘gross negligence, mis use of the public trust, abuse of tax payer funds and corrupt and inept financial management to the detriment of the United States of America, not to mention Crimes Against Nature regarding their personal life style choices.”

The Baroness cited Hamid Karzai, the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, Kim Jung Un, government sponsored call centers in India, Iraqi contractors, John Corzine, Bernie Madoff, Charles Wrangle (sic),Barney Frank and Chris Dodd as ‘some but not all of the recipients of the trillions of dollar in bribes and untracked TARP and Stimulus funds released without oversight for the sake of political capital, personal aggrandizement, unauthorized vacations and contributions to militant religious organizations funding state backed terrorism.”

A spokesman from the Baroness’s office, Mudder, Mudder and Balderdash, said additional criminal charges involving murder in the first degree, second degree, and manslaughter would shortly be filed on behalf of thousands of dead and maimed servicemen that suffered in Afghanistan to support Karzai LLC, the family conglomerate controlling the Afghan economy in a strangle hold thanks to Billions in untracked funding.

In an ancillary suit the Baroness went straight for the jugular citing the New York Times, ABC, NBC, CSNBC, CNN, Media Matters , Arianna Huffington and The Spoof.com for ‘aiding and abetting the financial conspiracy to loot the Treasury of the United States and impoverish the American Taxpayer, in reporting to deceive, divide, and disenfranchise leading to Crimes Against Journalism and Free Speech.”

News of the suit prior to Wall Street’s opening sent the market down 800 points, with US Treasury’s 10 year yield falling to .08%, and for the first time in history sent money market funds below par to $.67.

According to insiders, the suit sent leaders of the IMF, World Bank, and the Fed into emergency session with fears that a public uprising would further rile the world markets and lead to the first political coup in America leading to a constitutional crisis.

The GOP led Congress said they would take immediate action by cutting off all funding for any of the Administration’s ill advised expenditures, and immediately dispatched the national guard to secure all Cabinet Offices, change the locks, and take over day to day operations.

President Obama and VP Biden were ‘suspended indefinitely without pay’, and all vacations were halted after the Air Force grounded planned presidential vacation and campaigning flights resulting in an immediate short term savings of over $540M.

Baroness Montgomery said she was providing her services Pro Bono ‘for the good of the world in this time of great need,” and to do her share in reducing toxic gases emitted into the atmosphere
by ‘those FLATULENT BASTARDS.”