Lindsay Lohan Gets Access to Medicine Cabinet in Super Secret Presidential War Room!
by captain america on 02/05/12 at 9:30 am
Lohan said she thinks she really had a great time at the White House and hopes to visit again...maybe this time she'll remember
In keeping with President Obama’s pledge for “Transparency”, it was announced that Lindsay Lohan was the latest Hollywood ‘celebrity’ to get access to the formerly super secret “Situation Room” at the White House.
According to reports, Lohan, a guest of Greta Van Susteren (WTF) at the White House Consorts dinner, was invited to the room by Obama after she expressed interest in seeing the President’s private video of the “Osama Bin Laden Snuff Film” Produced by Hollywood’s Oliver Stone and documentary fat boy Michael Moore featuring the haunting sound track of Barbra Streisand’s vocal “How Deep is the Ocean” being sung during the credits.
An after action report filed by the Secret (sic) Service following the visit, including a complete inventory of the room’s master bath medicine cabinet indicated there were a few disturbing discrepancies.
Two bottles of Oxycodone, used to keep Bo the White House Dog’s anxiety attacks under control had gone missing, along with 4 bottles of Xanax, 2 kilo’s of medical marijuana harvested from Michelle’s ‘Victory Garden’, 3 dozen ribbed Trojan Condoms, 6 Fleet Enema Bags, at least 5 anal suppositories and an anal thermometer were unaccounted for.
Two tubes of Rogaine were later traced to VP Joe Biden who reportedly said, “What’s the big F****g deal…” a comment attributed to the VP having ‘a hair across his arse’ after being seated next to the finance minister from Nigeria who was courting votes for the World Bank leadership.
Unfortunately for the minister, a South Korean college President from Dartmouth got the nod from Obama, although Jay Carney said that appointment had nothing to do with his winning the Iron Chef award in S. Korea for his mouth watering recipe for Pomeranian & Pomegranates in Bok Choi Sauce, said to be favoured by the President.
A report from the Surgeon General, who was also on hand in case the President suddenly took ill from the fawning accolades heaped on him by the Main Street Media, said Ms. Lohan suddenly ‘suffered some kind of allergy attack’ and he ordered that she put under observation in the Lincoln Bedroom until she was ‘stabilized.’
Twelve Secret (sic) Service Agents volunteered to guard her room ‘in case she felt she needed anything once she revived from her coma.”
Greta reportedly stayed by her side all night, with the exception of a prolonged ‘potty break’ when Global Warming Guru Al Gore stopped by to take Lindsay’s temperature the old fashioned way.
The GSA said that in anticipation of the President entertaining Ron Artest ( AKA Meta World Peace) during his 7 game suspension for attempted murder whilst on the court, they would be installing a smurf basketball net and exploding scoreboard as the two engaged ‘one on one’ in a challenging game of Horse while watching live TV coverage of on going Syrian executions.
An attempt to interview Kim Kardashian, who was also in attendance at the event, was unsuccessful as she was not the center of attention due to the flap around Ms. Lohan. A spokesman said Kim was in a foul mood, and simply ‘couldn’t be arsed.’
Let’s Hear It!