by captain america on 21/05/12 at 4:53 amWashington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)
The Federal Reserve is quietly working behind the scenes to ready itself to bail out three of the World’s largest banks after they went out on a limb to protect their get rich quick scheme centered around another Internet smoke and mirror ill advised IPO.
Market analysts were ‘underwhelmed’ by the flawed introduction of “Farcebook” a social networking site that provides scintillating details of every day people eating lunch, taking a dump, lamenting
their looks, and crowing about their sexual identity and conquests…or not.
After hyping the public offering for months, opening on Wall Street was delayed by over 35 minutes as the world held it’s collective breath with Farcebook users pausing in Times Square watching the ticker announcing the official trade details which many expected to jump at least 30% after the open.
Seems the delay was caused by Morgan Stanley (yes that bank which just lost at least $2B due to rogue trading), JP Morgan, and Goldman Sachs, falling into a panic when it appeared potential investors were losing their enchantment over the overblown hype in the stock.
Some analysts are now saying the stock, set to open at $38 should realistically have been priced at $30 per share or below based on it’s book value, uncertain future, and declining advertising revenues.
Treasury Secretary Tim “The Toolman” Geithner was said to have placed an emergency conference call to the heads of the 3 major banks involved, promising a stimulus to help prop up the ill advised scheme after it became apparent the stock was going to tank at the opening, causing the mysterious delay.
According to reports from inside the White House Geithner was put on notice by Obama that
“we can’t have another failure this close to the F*****g election!”
Going unnoticed was the fact Michelle Obama was a substantial investor of Farcebook in her
“Blind Trust” and that the DNC was counting on the social networking site to get out the vote amongst their ignorant, illiterate and government dependent followers.
Obama himself was obviously referring to the Government Motors (GM) fiasco where the stock has dropped way below it’s opening despite CEO Obama offering ‘fire sale’ prices on his signature models, the Chevy Dolt (sic) and Chevy Cruize, two ill conceived cars that are burning up in people’s garage, but not the sales charts! The Dolt was bought by Liberals in California to the tune of 603 units in January, hardly enough to keep the factories churning out the vehicles predicted to pay for themselves after only 12.7 years! That’s Government Accounting for you under the Obama mandate of “Hope ‘n Charge!” not to mention charging at Wind Mills.
Add to that Solyndra, over $500M in taxpayer funds, bankrupt 5 months after being visited by Barry, Eneri, $118M, bankrupt, A123 $39M that lost $172M in the first three quarters of 2011, and just laid off 125 workers, and Fisker, forced to stop production after their $528M handout was all used up, with all their product recalled over defects and ‘unexplained’ spontaneous combustion issues.
On top of that a $500M Green Energy Training Program that allegedly placed 8,000 workers in Green Jobs, most of whom have since been laid off, costing only $62,500 per ‘job.’
Morgan Stanley is now the proud owner of 162M Farcebook shares worth (at Friday’s prices) $6.16B,yes that’s “BILLION”.
JP Morgan owns $3.2B, with Goldman Sachs close behind at $2.3B…prompting one Wall Street wag to comment, “That’s a shit load of Bog Paper for the Fed to cover and charge the taxpayer..when will they ever learn?”
Meanwhile newlywed Yuckerberger, described by fellow Silicone Valley geeks as having the personality of a ‘soap dish’, and his new billionaire buddies are being touted by California libs as the ‘savior’ of the state (now $16B (billion) in debt) thanks to the about to be announced
13% tax on income.
The windfall is said to have even encouraged Governor Jerry ‘Moonbeam” Brown to climb down from his Tree House where he vowed to stay until the Fed bailed him out after he underestimated the state’s liabilities by just over $9B.
The announcement led to the Teacher’s Union to demand a 30% pay raise saying the state’s cut back in education was affecting student’s ability to ‘add two plus two and coming up with 5 as the correct answer.”
Meanwhile, extra terrestrial kidnap victims Shirley McClain and Dennis Kucinich denied that the state’s problems could be traced to being over run and possessed by illegal aliens. Both said
the problems could be traced to a ‘simple accounting error,’ and that California was “just too big, and too big a democratic voting bloc to fail!”
More as Tim Geithner announces a plan to shovel shit against the rising tide and Obama announces plans to have wind farms and solar panels cause the sea of red ink to recede as he parts the ocean in his ‘hands across the pond’ European Union scheme to prop up the world.