by captain america on 24/05/12 at 7:37 amWashington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)
Pulling out all the stops on his assault against capitalism in the run up to his re-immaculation, President Obama said Bain Capital was the major reason Easter Island inhabitants disappeared
after they were ‘raped and plundered by blood sucking racist investors, most of whom were probably Mormons!”
Obama’s claims were backed up on the campaign trail by VP Joe Biden giving them some veracity.
Easter Island is now under the auspices of Chile, although over 3,000 miles from the mainland. It has been the subject of wonderment after the discovery over over 887 “Moai” stone statues
that date back to at least 1200 AD, according to archeologists. Obama further claims it is also the origin of today’s hip hop and ghetto rap music as the 15×7.6 mile island is known as “Big Rapa” in local lure.
Earlier digs undertaken by a joint (sic) mission of the University of California, Berkley, and the University of Chicago, uncovered primitive crack pipes and coke spoons made out of turtle shells and hollowed out pacific crab legs giving further credence to Obama’s claims.
Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are not on board with the President’s assessment, however, claiming from their pulpits that Easter Island could be the original “Hymie Town” citing the size of the noses on the Moai sculptures.
Cherokee Princess Elizabeth Warren, running for Dem senator in Massachusetts also put in her 1/32 opinion, saying, “they sure aren’t one of mine….no high cheekbones…they’re all sunken like Maria Shriver’s!”
Up till now historians have blamed the exploitation of the islands timber for the demise of the inhabitants as they cut all the trees for housing, fire wood, and the construction of fishing skiffs, until they finally were forced to survive eating each other into extinction when the United Nations cut off funding and food supplies and sent them instead to North Korea.
Sarah Palin added her assessment which differed from the Democrats. “Golly..it’s pretty obvious this was just another socialist experiment that ended in tears. They all depended on someone else to support them until there was no one left to feed them…flesh eating bacteria my arse..they ate themselves into extinction the gluttonus BASTARDS!”
Conservative independent businessmen now say Obama’s continued assault on the middle class, entrepreneurs and capitalism will become the bain of his re election campaign.
Said a local man on the street, ” if he keeps bashing everyone in America, he’ll soon be left with no one to feed on but himself, and who’s going to be left to pay for Michelle’s vacations? ”
Rumours are now swirling that the president has commissioned a 12 foot bust of himself to be left on the White House lawn in January 2013, and that he will be appointing himself to the Supreme Court sometime in December 2012 after the mysterious death of a current conservative justice.
No information has yet surfaced on how big the ears will be on the larger than life bust, but one insider who has seen the carving said, “they’ll be wondering about this one a thousand years from now and probably be blaming the country’s disappearance on George Bush!”