by captain america on 30/05/12 at 1:11 pmWashington, DC – (SAtireWorld.com)
Flying under the radar as it were, SW has learned that President Obama has been secretly negotiating with both Italy AND Turkey to supply them with armed drones in order to expand his
‘Joy Stick Assassins” charged with whittling down his ‘kill list’ of supposed ‘Enemies of the State’ conceived and mandated during ‘Terror Tuesday’ meetings.
SW undercover operatives have learned that the meetings, convened in a secret, unvented closet in the White House basement, called the “Choom Room” is attended by both David Axelrod, head of the Obama re election campaign, and Valerie Jarrett, a close personal aide to the president, and the biggest slum lord in Chicago, amongst other things.
It’s there, sources report, that Obama, sucking on a big bong, often out of turn, decides who is to live and who is to die as he reviews his latest collection of “playing cards’ which depict potential targets, their biography, foibles, and how much they earn each year from US foreign aid money disguised as “Humanitarian Grants, and the amount of money they ‘bundle’ for his re election efforts.
Once questioned by an aide as to why he has is using ‘death cards’ in this bizarre ritual, Obama said “Because I Won, and Because I Can!” That particular aide was later found hanging naked in a Motel 6 closet with a sex toy up his butt, a blonde wig and $15,000 worth of designer gowns and 14 pair of Jimmy Choo shoes laid out on the bed in a bizarre, still unsolved ‘mystery.’
Apparently Italy has already considered it a ‘done deal’ as it was announced over the weekend during a ‘holiday news dump’ that disgraced Italian captain Francisco Schettino has been fitted with contact lenses and released from house arrest after the lack of glasses was announced responsible for him putting the Costa Concordia on the rocks on the island of Giglio, causing over 30 deaths and leaving the 2500 passenger cruise ship ‘wop sided.’
The Italian courts, after due consideration, have now arrested Schettino’s optometrist and rejected all international claims for compensation from crew members, passengers, and surviving family members calling the calamity “an act of a near sighted and angry God”, which is not covered in the fine print of the cruise line’s charter.
Said the lead investigator, Bartoni Linguini, “In Italy, Justice is Blind….if you don’t believe me, ask Foxy Knoxy! Francisco is now free to captain his own fleet again…our court system proves again just how ‘far sighted’ we are when it comes to justice, not to mention the irony of it all!”
Italy is expecting to get 6 ‘armed and ready’ MQ9 (Grim) Reaper drones capable of delivering Hell Fire missiles and laser guided bombs with pin point accuracy anywhere in the world.
Slightly more surprising, actually mind bending, Obama is close to reaching an accord with the Muslim government of Turkey over the release of a fleet of Reapers.
The NATO member, until recently a secular leaning government, was thought to be a staunch friend of the US, but recent political turmoil has turned that around.
First the Islamic Justice (oxymoron) Party (AK) arrested over 139 secular leaning current and former Military Officers. Later, in September of 2011, they broke off relations with Israel after the latter stormed a Turkish ship loaded with munitions and Jihadists heading for the Gaza strip.
As the Israelis explained, ‘with friends like this in NATO, who needs enemies, Eh?”
Most rational people, not on drugs, would suppose that once the Turks got their hands on the drones, the Taliban would soon be raining directed strikes on tourists on the sun drenched beaches of Israel, the Chinese would be targeting Tibetans, and Mexican drug lords would be taking out each other’s remote mountain hide aways.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, the Surgeon General said that the President’s Glaucoma is being kept in check with the use of ‘mild hits’ of medical marijuana and is ‘certainly not enough to get him addicted or impair his mental capacities..after all, the President is involved in ‘life and death’ decisions every day!”