by captain america on 05/06/12 at 11:04 amNew York City, NY – (SatireWorld.com)
High Times are returning to NYC thanks to Democratic Governor Andrew Cuomo and Nanny Mayor Mikey Bloomberg as they turn the President’s favorite pass time of ‘chooming’ into a $100 misdemeanor in order to clear cops and courts to pursue the more egregious crime of ‘chugging’ a 44 oz Big Gulp soft drink!
The marijuana busts, resulting in soaring arrests amongst young black males during New York’s aggressive ‘stop and search’ mandate, has resulted in over crowded courts, administrative paperwork for street cops, while causing felony crime statistics to plummet, a result that has proved distasteful to Reverend Al Sharpton.
“It’s not fair,” said the phony soap box pundit, ” smoking a joint is just part of a certain minority’s culture and we are being singled out by profiling while white people are allowed to stand on the corner in public view swilling oversized soft drinks. Try standing in Central Park sucking on a big Doobie (sic) if you’re a brother, and you get your ass thrown in jail over blowing a little smoke!”
Under the ‘new’ law, 25 grams of weed discovered during a search gets you a free pass, although the law is unclear if that means 25 grams in separate pockets, in a glassine bag up your butt, or in your Air Jordan’s.
A court case is already pending concerning a suspect who had over 200 grams of weed on his person, but they were all distributed in packets of 25 grams or less, and his case is now being defended
by the ACLU and the Department of Justice (sic), with even President Obama opining, “He (the defendant) looks just like my high school dealer, Ray!”
Police superintendent Ray M. Kelly, said the new law enables his force, said to be bigger, better equipped and including an armored division and fighter wing of discarded UK Harrier Jump Jets, will now be able to devote more resources to the Mayor’s war on Obesity.
According to IHS Jane’s Defense and Security Intelligence and Analysis, NYC now has a bigger standing army and more up to date weapons of war than England and just last week denied requests from PM David Cameron to join his coalition to support his defense of the Falklands initiative, but would not rule out providing aid against the French and Spanish storming the Channel Tunnel as they flee their homelands in panic.
The announcement also spurred commerce in the city, with joints now selling for less than a pack of cigarettes which go for over $12 a pack, and a gallon of gas which is approaching $5 per gallon thanks to another government ‘Green” Subsidy.
Cuomo, a stanch democrat who supports Obama said “along with solar panels, wind mills and electric car rebates I think the $.50 a joint state subsidy will encourage people to get off soft drinks, get right with the regime and high on life.”
Cuomo is now before the legislature promoting state run marijuana dispensaries as well as growing facilities in up state New York claiming that ‘smoking a joint is safer than fracking, provides a more satisfying personal experience, and enables us to keep our pension plans funded…it’s a win, win for everyone.”
According to Cuomo the EPA and the Agriculture Department are preparing to grant a $556B taxpayer backed initiative to built the facilities and are also involved in negotiations with California governor ‘Moonbeam” Brown to expand the proposed high speed rail line from San Francisco to Los Angeles with a spur from San Diego direct to Newburgh, NY to facilitate the ‘just in time’ supply line of Mexican Gold in a trade agreement with NAFTA.
Cuomo also announced a temporaary suspension of ‘smoking in public’ at New York’s polling places during the November Presidential Election. According to Sharpton, who negotiated the deal, the New Black Panthers will be out in force to insure that everyone who wants to get high not have their voting rights suspended or questioned by Racist Republicans.”
Bob Dylan, recently feted at the White House by Obama, is said to be preparing a new anthem for the occasion tentatively entitled “PURPLE HAZE DAZE” celebrating the return of the 60′s, anarchy, Huey Newton, Bill Ayers, Bernadette Dorn and Patty Hearst.
More as the smoke clears.