by Annoying Rash on 06/06/12 at 5:27 amAtlanta, GA – (SatireWorld.com)
The world’s leading research and communicable disease control center (CDC) located in Atlanta, Georgia has issued its first ever Zombie Alert, advising citizens to be prepared and have ample stocks and supplies on hand in the event of a zombie breakout.
Seemingly tied to the foreboding prophecy of a coming ‘rapture’ in which millions will simply depart Earth leaving only the ‘wicked and sinners’ in place, many are taking the warning seriously and are stocking up on food, water, medical supplies, weapons, and ammunition. Others after having seen media coverage of almost daily cannibalism and zombie-like attacks have avoided crowds like the sputtering Occupy Wall Street events and stay mostly at home.
Leading Zombie expert Dr. Thad Parker has been warning readers of his series of zombie novels, the real threat posed by the walking undead and how Hollywood media has tainted the real possiblity of an invasion by playing horror-type movies as entertainment. “Zombies are real,” claims Parker and has listed almost 150 real world examples where zombies have come to life and threatened living people.
Recently, several unexplained outbreaks have been reported in Los Angeles, Miami, Baltimore, West Africa, and Russia in recent months, but have been dismissed by a skeptical press as ‘over blown hype.’ Several instances were reported at sea recently where zombies walking hundreds of miles underwater found unsuspecting victims in alone their boats. The US Coast Guard has issued its own advisory on Friday.
The CDC alert isn’t specific as to when, where, or why but is being taken serious enough from persons who regularly visit the CDC website, finding it’s usual conservative non-threatening messages to be ‘very concerning’.
The White House has issued its own advisory, and in a nationally calming tone, has stated that the same person who was responsible in leading the efforts in taking down Bin Laden is in control at the White House and everyone should sleep soundly tonight and not worry a bit.
In other news, government efforts at gun confiscation are on a high track after US BATFE agents were caught in sting operation that backfired. Agents knowingly supplied Mexican drug cartel operatives with legal semi-auto firerams in an effort to set up a tracking system showing where legally purchased firearms found there way into Mexico. Critics say it’s stupidity at its best when agents actually sold guns without checking citizen status just to prove a theory.
They were right! All the guns they sold to illegal Mexicans ended up in the hands of drug dealers south of the border. In fact, two Border Patrol agents were shot to death by drug cartel members using these weapons. Still, calls to disarm US citizens have found new footing in the Democratically controlled White House.
White House officials issued careful instructions to the thousands of die-hard Obama supporters and volunteers, who in the past have been mistaken for mindless Obama-bots, that they could easily be mistaken for a zombie and become seriously hurt. David Axlerod suggested they wear a clean tee shirt and pin a sign to their chest that says ‘don’t shoot I’m just a Democrat.’