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White House Says Republicans and Constitutionalists Not Ideologically Suited To Be Border Patrol Agents

by Jalapenoman on 07/06/12 at 3:57 am

Washington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)

An announcement from the White House today surprised few when the Obama Administration stated that Republicans, Conservatives, Tea Party Members, Libertarians, and Constitutionalists were not ideologically suited to be Border Patrol Agents or work for U.S. Customs. The policy statement may be the Administration’s official reaction to the belief by employees of Customs and Border Patrol that one of their main duties is to protect our borders.

Jay Carney, the current White House Press Secretary read a prepared statement from President Obama, which said:

“When one of our Border Patrol Agents is standing on the north side of the Rio Grande River in Texas and sees a person walking across, the inclination of our current employees is to either turn them around and send them back or arrest them for illegal entry into the country. In truth, they should welcome this person with open arms, as the individual is merely coming here to seek a life of freedom for themself and their family.”

“A true Border Patrol Agent would be watching and awaiting these freedom seekers with food in their hands and information about a place to stay. They would give them the shirt off their back and the keys to their car.”

“Border Patrol Agents refer to these honest, sincere, future Democrats as wetbacks or illegal aliens or undocumented aliens, when they are really potential citizens and potential voters. These people just want the freedoms that we have. They are not all coming here to collect welfare, get free medical care or education, and live off of the taxpayer while voting to keep the party that provides them these benefits in power; that is a misconception.”

“Constitutionalists, Republicans, Libertarians, and Tea Party members are mistaken in their beliefs that they function well as representatives of their government with U.S. Customs and Border Patrol. As such, we will begin checking voter registration and voting habits and remove all of these people from their positions.”

“Such persons are also not representative of what we want from our military. When we remove this bad 95% of the people who are tasked with protecting our country, we will save trillions of dollars of the military budget. This money will be better spent taking care of all those who want to come here and vote us back into power in the upcoming 2012 elections.”

President Obama was unable to read the statement himself as he was once again playing golf on a family vacation.