by captain america on 11/06/12 at 10:32 amWashington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)
Obama surrogate and close political advisor Bill Clinton told supporters at a rally in Arkansas that the President shouldn’t be blamed for the last three and a half years of declining moral and economic values in the United States saying, “The man is sick….it’s not his fault…he’s asleep on his feet!”
Clinton confirmed troubling reports that the President has fallen asleep at his desk in the middle of signing execution orders for his vaunted drone attacks, in the middle of a meal winding up faced down in his mashed potatoes and mushy peas, and during romantic vacations with wife Michelle despite his reliance on ‘little Blue pills.”
“He’s a very, very, very sick man,” said Clinton, “African Tryanosomiasis, known as “Sleeping Sickness” can be traced to the Tsetse fly, and also to spells placed on the victim, must usually by a deranged Mother in Law…it’s an American Tragedy.”
Clinton hurried to add he had ‘come to Praise Barry, not bury the SOB!”
A spokesman for the surgeon general said the disease can often be fatal if not treated in time.
“Without medical attention the ‘parasite penetrates to the brain causing serious neurological symptoms including psychosis, an urge to eat human flesh, reveal top secret information,
gender confusion, the propensity to trip over your tongue and the inability to either dribble or dunk a basketball.”
Clinton went on to say the disease is contagious to anyone ‘in close proximity to the carrier, and poses a dangerous security risk to the United States of American.”
According to a leak attributed to a member of the former President’s staff who attended a high level briefing involving the The Senate Intelligence Committee chaired by Dianne Feinstein, D,CA,
Clinton proposed a quarantine for the President and all his close political advisors.
The selfless humanitarian and savior of Haiti said that along with his wife Hilary he would be ‘willing to come out of retirement for the good of the country until this crisis passes. After all,” he added,” look at Britain, a coalition composed of two diametrically opposed dysfunctional politicians is not a bad thing as they cancel each other out for the good of the taxpayer.’
Said Clinton in his pitch for resurrection, ” I think I can swing the Jews and their money back to our side, we’ve got the Rainbow folks, I never took advantage of that Hispanic Woman, Sonia Sotomayor, I have a good relationship with the Saudi’s and the rest of the Sand People (sic), and most importantly, I know how to compromise myself!”
“Unfortunately,” Clinton said, according to our source, “we will also need a new DNC chairperson as I fear Debbie Wasserman Schultz is beyond help at this point…it’s clear the worm has entered deep into her brain and even massive doses of Ritilin are having no effect!”
Newt Gingrich said he’s be interested in the job, as long as the DNC could pay off his credit cards at Tiffany and the $1m he owes to a corporate jet company charted by his latest wife.
Hazmat officials have been seen at the White House checking out Michelle’s Victory Garden, a likely source of the insidious Tsetse, and are waiting for a no knock warrant to confront Marian Robinson, Barry’s Mother in Law concerning a recent purchase of 2500 push pins on Ebay, the disappearance of ‘Bo’ the White House Dog, and one of the kids last seen at a burger and fries joint when she accompanied the President as he snuck out for ‘a snack’ and may have been ‘left behind accidentally.”
Washington wags are now opining that ‘that’ tingle up Chris Matthews’ leg may have been a Tsetse attack, and that Joe Biden’s hair transplants may also have been infected in a Chinese Chia factory!
More After America Wakes Up.