Sandusky Family To Market “Jerry-Tool” To Pay Legal Defense Fees

by on 24/06/12 at 11:19 am

“Take it from me, Mark Lowton, Nothing’s more slippery than Jerry-Tool…I place a few drops between my cheeks before going to bed every night and never wake up with bothersome chaffing in the morning….Even after I invite all those rowdy football guys over and you know how much of a pain in the ass that can be! So, in the end lube-up often and amply..And don’t forget tell those helpful folks down at the Rexall….Mark and Skippy sent me!”

Harrisburg, PA – (

In order to pay continually growing legal fees, the family of Jerry Sandusky has announced that they will begin marketing a new product. “Jerry-Tool,” a sexual lubricant, will be sold in adult book stores and adult video retailers across the United States and Canada and to sheep ranchers and Moslems in the Middle East.

The product, which has the same properties as the widely known KY Jelly or even Vaseline, is expected to be popular among the gay and pedophile customers of these establishments. It will be marketed under the name: “Jerry-Tool; For Help With Tight Ends” (drawing on the image of Mr. Sandusky’s career as a football coach, of course).

The manufacturers of Geritol (GlaxoSmithKline) are contemplating suing the Sandusky family for trademark infringement for stealing the name of their product. “They are just trying to cash in on a pun of our product name,” said company representative Jean Auldfart. “All they have really got is a petroleum jelly with a little peppermint oil in it. There’s nothing original here at all.”

“The loss of the income of Jerry Sandusky and his expensive attorney and court costs, which will rise even higher with his expected appeals, have placed a large burden on his family. Something had to be done to cash in on his name and reputation to help them keep their house and pay the bills,” said family spokesperson Casey Bunghole. “I don’t think it right for the makers of Geritol to keep a family from naming a product after themselves that tells what the product does; they are trying to stop fair trade practices.”

A “man on the street” interview with Craig “Skippy” Thomas, a peep-show custodian in San Francisco, revealed that “Mr. Sandusky and his trial have been on my mind for months. I’ll buy this product just to uphold his innocence and protect his rights. This man loved those boys and there was nothing like abuse involved. Just like my hero Michael Jackson, he showed them more love than even their parents would. I’ll be proud to buy the first bottle of Jerry-Tool sold in San Francisco, and will even use it with my lover Mark Lowton.”

Note: The editors of this publication have decided for decency reasons not to describe the advertised properties of Jerry-Tool or the intended uses listed on the packaging. Needless to say, there is a pun intended in the name of the product.

One Response to “Sandusky Family To Market “Jerry-Tool” To Pay Legal Defense Fees”

  1. Throckmorton P. Turdblossom

    Jun 24th, 2012

    I remember that after rodeo rider and NFL Dallas Cowboy player Walt Garrison retired, he used to do ads for a chewing tobacco that you was supposed to put between your cheek and gum.

    Sounds like this is a product to go between your cheek and bum!

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