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Cruise Divorce Shocker: Suri Wants ‘out’, Travolta ‘mum’, Katie ‘numb!’

by captain america on 30/06/12 at 4:19 am

Hollywood, CA – (SatireWorld.com)

Hollywood was in shock today as it was announced the ‘fairy tale’ marriage of Tom Cruise, the world’s shortest leading man since Alan Ladd, and the world’s most insipid woman, Katie Holmes, was about to end in divorce as 6 year old Suri, the little devil who wears Prada, was calling in her pre-natal agreement!

Reporters caught up with Suri during her regular after brunch shopping spree on Rodeo Drive where her entourage was seen lugging her and her latest designer indulgences to her waiting Maybach Limousine.

Any attempt to interview her was forestalled when Suri went into an Alex Baldwin rage shouting and spitting, “get the F****k out of my face you F****g faggot!”

Body guards in attendance shrugged off the tirade explaining to reporters, “she’s just having a bad day…that time of month, and the Jimmy Choos she wanted were out of stock in her size.”

The only child of soon to be 3-time loser Cruise, and the formerly Virgin Spokesperson for Valium, Katie Holmes, has been in the spot light since Cruise ‘jumped the couch’ on the Oprah show after he had been dumped by Penelope Cruise and professed his excitement over sleeping with a barely breathing version of a $39.95 blow up doll! Said Cruise at the time, “finally a woman who is just willing to sit and listen to me and not move when I decide to have sex. Priceless!”

Nine months later, and a year before he married the comatose fashion icon (sic), little Suri popped out and was featured on more UK Red Top front pages than Rihanna and only slightly less than
Kate Middelton.

Critics claim Cruise had finally found the perfectly malleable Scientology subject to fit his maniacal teenage persona and many wondered how long it would last while the couple existed in a vacuum and pampered their precious princess.

Many wags from Hollywood have whispered Cruise is gay, although this has been staunchly denied by closet Scientologists speaking for both Cruise and John Travolta after speculation that the two might be doing the horizontal mamba. Their publicist squashed any rumours they might be appearing on Dancing with Stars, the UK version this coming fall.

According to papers filed late this afternoon in a Hollywood Court, Suri is seeking sole custody of herself, wants to keep her 15,000 square foot playhouse, her $1.5M designer wardrobe, her collection of classic cars, and monthly childamony of $1.2m a month to keep her in the style she has been accustomed. Suri also demands she be catered to by a staff of 20 including her ‘walker’ who is designated to carry her around until she’s 21 when she deems she’ll be able to ‘stand on my own two feet,’ a driver, a chef and 3 kitchen staff, and 4 housekeepers, one with the sole responsibility of keeping her 4,000 square foot closet in order.

Suri also stipulated that her father Tom and mother Katie, be made wards of the Court as ‘it seems apparent to me they are not capable of looking after themselves, and frankly, I’m just too busy!”

Gloria Allred is said to be representing Suri with Katie saying she hopes Attorney General Eric Holder will soon be free to take on her case and be prepared to lie for her.

Cruise has not yet announced his pick for attorney, but is said to be interviewing several in Iceland where he is filming his new action erotic thriller “Shorty Finally Gets His Man.”

Wake me when it’s over.