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Katie Holmes Files For Divorce From Tom Cruise Over Suri’s Brainwashing

by Jalapenoman on 30/06/12 at 1:25 pm

Hollywood, CA – (SatireWorld.com)

Katie Holmes stated in a public press conference that the reason she filed for divorce after her six year marriage to Tom Cruise was “mostly because of his religion and the brainwashing they are giving our daughter.” The couple became a Hollywood item after a 42 year old Tom Cruise decided to jump up and down on the furniture on the Oprah Winfrey show.

According to a statement made by Holmes, “Catholic Children go to their Catechism. Protestant kids have their Vacation Bible School. Mormons send their youngsters off to Primary. Jews send their kids to Hebrew schools. Tom would always write Brainwashing and Indoctrination on the calendar for Suri every week.”

“Wanting to bring up a kid in your church is one thing, but I think the electroshock treatments and sensory deprivation and mind altering drugs to accomplish this were going a little to far. I don’t want my little girl to be a Stepford Wife or something. She’s only six for Christ’s sake… oops, I’m sorry, Tom doesn’t want me to say Christ!”

When asked if anything else led to the downfall of their marriage, Katie said that “his desire for me to wear a strap on all the time was a little wierd. I also thought it was funny when he wanted me to use Rogaine to try to develop more chest and back hair and not shave my armpits or legs. I also didn’t like it when he called me by his favorite nickname: Butch. These things, however, were just couples stuff and really had nothing to do with the end of our marriage.”

“I will be glad of the end of all of the anal sex. I think that the star of Rock of Ages hasn’t gotten is rocks off in my glory hole in ages!”

Holmes announced that she planned to pay for her divorce by selling the leash and dog collar that Cruise has had her wear on E-Bay.

Tom Cruise had little reaction other than to say that it was about time he sent wife Katie back to “the Center” for another round of “Obedience School.”