by captain america on 03/07/12 at 11:17 amHollywood, CA – (SatireWorld.com)
Things appear to be ‘looking up’ for Katie Holmes now that she’s doesn’t have to wear flats when seen along side her diminutive husband, Tom Cruise!
Katie, 5’9″, and Brooklyn Net basketball player Kris Humphries,6’9″, were seen walking hand in hand on a Manhattan street yesterday as they were window shopping for a new California King mattress for Katie’s secret hideaway.
Since the announcement of her separation and impending divorce, it has been learned that Katie has been treated by a podiatrist for ‘club toes, and severe foot cramping’ due to being forced to sleep on a custom designed futon for her vertically challenged estranged husband, Tiny Tom. (5’7″ sic)
Wearing a set of sensuously spiked 6″ inch heals better known as ‘F****k ME Pumps’, the 33 year old
actress looked radiant as she was smiling and looking up at her new beau.
Kris himself looked he was ready to jump a Cadillac Escalade, despite his unresolved 15 minute marriage to ‘big arse mess’ Kim Kardashian and the rest of her dysfunctional family.
Said Kris earlier after the divorce was announced, ‘ there wasn’t enough room in the bed for her 2 sisters, her dancing brother, her cheating mother, or for her big fat arse…I mean, come on, a guy can only handle so much sex even during a big fat Kardashian Wedding Night using both hands!”
Earlier in the day Katie confided to Oprah, “For the first time I’ve found a man I can really look up to!”
According to friends of Kris, Scientology still plays a part in Katie’s life as some habits just seem to hard to quit.
“She was attracted to him immediately, ‘ said NBA guard Kobe Bryant,’ just like most white chicks
she was more than ready to ride with a brother, but wasn’t going to jump onto something she couldn’t handle. She hooked Kris up to one of those Scientology P-meters (sic) to check his reaction, staying power, and of course his size to see if they were compatible.”
And what was the result?
“Well,” said Kobe, ” as predicted Kris passed the test and when they finally hooked up, she was the one who had to call her physician after the erection lasted more than 12 hours!”
When last heard from Tom Cruise is still in Iceland cooling his heels and hoping to be ‘audited’
by John Travolta.