Vatican Calls Church of Scientology “weird, secretive, controlling, corrupt and steeped in mystery ‘ as it promises to exorcise Katie from the Devil and Tom Cruise!
by captain america on 06/07/12 at 1:09 pm
The Vatican – (SatireWorld.com)
A legal spokesman for Katie Holmes, the wife of Tom Cruise now hiding out from possible abduction from Scientology ‘minders’, said relief may be on it’s way as the Vatican is considering an annulment for the mother of one which will allow her to start over as a ‘very rich’ Virgin.
The spokesman cited Vatican precedent for the move and referenced the annulment granted to Joe Kennedy, son of Robert, after his wife of many years helped raise their twin sons and eventually divorced him over the usual Kennedy failings; drink, women, closet homosexuality, hypocrisy, and egregious disregard of the 10 Commandments.
The Vatican at the time declined to address the issue of leaving the two boys as now ‘illegitimate bastards’ saying that ‘time , money and charitable donations will heal all ills.”
The issue is a timely one for the Vatican Bank, under increasing scrutiny for non transparency and outright criminal charges of money laundering, terrorism funding, and sudden death syndrome including ‘suicide’ by hanging, poisoning by tea, and falling out of 6th story windows leaving behind only bloody ripped fingernails on the window sill.
The bank, operating as it does within the monarchy of the Vatican, is subject to no outside scrutiny or accounting, has at least $7.5B in assets and was recently cut off my Morgan Stanley as it refused to identify the mystery of millions of dollars moving in and out of a German account between Rome on a daily as well as hourly basis.
Recently sacked President of the Bank, Ettore GOTTI Tedeschi, a lay person, was detained by Italian Police and his office, home, and shorts searched. Officials are now doing extensive physical and financial forensic DNA on his phone, computer as well as his shorts just to see where all the bodies are buried and who the Church was screwing for fun and profit.
Meanwhile church watchers are anxiously awaiting the next move from Cruise and his minders with the block buster divorce just announced threatening to blow the doors off Scientology and the Holy Water out of the Font if the two Religious tax exempt Giants eventually square off in a public court room in the Mother of all showdowns!
Kerry Kennedy, recently embroiled in the Chevron/Ecuador oil extortion racket, and who just weeks ago defended her Brother RFK, Jr. for cutting off money to his estranged wife Mary, leading up to her suicide from embarrassment after begging lunch money from her kids’ classmates to put gas in the car, said she’d be willing to go to bat for Katie on a contingency basis.
According to her TV commercials trolling for customers, she promises she works only on a performance basis and a small percentage of ‘under 51%” should she win the case.
Of course in the small print there is the usual ‘plus a small fee for shipping, handling, tolls, mileage, phone calls , international travel, out of pocket expenses and lying bastards willing to testify about anything for money.’
The other back story waiting to break is the alleged claims that the two most famous Scientologists, Cruise and John Travolta have a penchant for dabbling in same sex bunga-bunga parties including ‘massage a trois’ and naked ‘auditing’ sessions.
One can only imagine the headlines in the New York Post and the UK Red Tops, complete with pictures:
“Vatican and Scientology Brought to their Knees by billions in legal fees as Lawyers refuse to swallow the lie that ‘the check’s in the mail.’
“Travolta Blows off Charges Regarding Gender Orientation!”
“Cruise says he can’t remember who stood in for him on wedding night! Cites splitting headache for continued abstinence.’
“Tom is too controlling. Taking the batteries out of my Dildo was the last straw,” says frustrated Katie!
“My Wife Shelly is living in the UK with gypsies,” says Scientology head David Miscavige, despite no one having seen her in 5 years and no alarm being raised by authorities.
“Gag order sought by Travolta attorneys against gay accusers!”
Vatican blames ‘holy bath salts’ for cannibal behaviour of rogue priests shouting “ don’t eat me Brother!”
Scientology denies claims members have to become eunuchs to ‘get a head’ in Hollywood!
Much more to come unless someone puts a lid onnit!