by Jalapenoman on 09/07/12 at 10:31 am
The Frito Bandito, a former thief, cowboy, and pistolero from Mexico, has been granted amnesty by the INS at the urging of the Obama White House. The bandito has been living as an illegal alien in El Paso, Texas since his ad campaign and reign of terror for Fritos Corn Chips ended in 1971.
From 1967 thru 1971, the Frito Bandito roamed the desert Southwest, stealing Frito’s Corn Chips from unsuspecting snackers. When the advertising campaign ended and his green card expired, he was scheduled for deportation back to his home in Chihuahua, Mexico. Apparently, however, he chose to stay.
Since 1971, the Bandito has branched out in his operations. He is now known to steal Dorito’s, Tostitos, and even an occasional package of Ruffles (“The ridges go good with the sour cream dips so the chips don’t break”). Additionally, since this activity does not lend itself to filing federal tax returns, the Bandito has also been receiving welfare checks, free medical care, and free education for his children.
When asked how this would change his life, the Frito Bandito said that “it won’t change much. I might not get as much welfare, but there are other programs I can apply for now. I already vote and have a driver’s license, so being a citizen now doesn’t effect that. I guess the only thing that is different is that I can walk across the bridge from visits to Mexico instead of having to sneak back, carrying my clothes on my head when I wade through the river. No one can call me a wetback anymore.”
Known accomplices of the Frito Bandito have included the Taco Bell Chihuahua, who was hit and killed by a lowrider last year. Accident investigators said that the dog might have been saved with proper and rapid medical treatment, but the lowrider high centered over the dog and it took them two hours to get him out from underneath.
Another known accomplice of the Frito Bandito for the past few years has been Jose Jimenez. This former comedian and astronaut is now a slumlord in South El Paso. He was interviewed for this story, but provided only answers of “Si!” to all questions.
A third accomplice, Speedy Gonzalez, was unable to be interviewed as he is currently in a drug treatment center for addiction to amphetamines.
When asked why the Obama Administration would grant political amnesty to a person of the reputation of the Frito Bandito, a White House Spokesman said that “the President admitted that he enjoyed singing the Frito Bandito song when he was a child.”
“Ay, ay, ay, ay! oh, I am dee Frito Bandito. I like Frito’s Corn Chips. I love them, I do. I want Frito’s corn chips. I’ll take them, from you.”
“Ay, ay, ay, ay, oh, I am the Frito Bandito. Give me Frito Corn chips and I’ll be your friend. The Frito Bandito you must not offend.”
Of course, the semi truck that dropped off a pallet of boxes full of corn chips at the White House probably had nothing to do with the decision.