by Jalapenoman on 29/07/12 at 8:44 amSt. Louis, MO – (SatireWorld.com)
Eleven convicted pedophiles from the Missouri State Prison have filed a lawsuit in a St. Louis court against several high schools. They allege that the carwashes put on by the school cheerleaders, band, softball team, volleyball team, and other groups pose a clear and present danger to men and are designed to appeal to the prurient interest of all males, even though the females in question may be under the age of consent.
From his cell in the prison, Convict #157879 (name withheld on request, but you can look it up using his prisoner number at the correctional facility’s website) said that “it just ain’t right. Them young girls is always standing out there on the street corners in their bikini tops and shorty shorts waving signs and encouraging us to pull off the road. Often, them tight shorty shorts is unbuttoned and you can see their bikini tops flashing like bright colored panties. The ones washing your car are bending over into all kinds of sensual positions to get that spot on your windshield and their boobs are rubbing against your window or they are bent over to clean your tires, and many of them are handling hoses that look just like… well, you know what they look like. It just ain’t right and it’s the reason many of us are in here.”
Monitors showed the prisoner’s heart was racing and he was beginning to sweat and get physically excited when describing the carwash.
Candy Graham, head cheerleader at Walter Cronkite High School in Independence, Missouri was upset by the lawsuit. “Ewwww! I mean really ewwwww! That is sooooo disgusting! It’s nasty that some gross old pervert would look at us that way and get sexual ideas. We are dressing up that way to stay cool and so we don’t get any of our good clothes wet and ruined. We also want the college guys with the nice cars to check us out, but not the weirdos!”
When asked why there were unwritten rules at carwashes to “never put the fatties on the street with the signs” and “never put boys on the streets with the signs,” Candy said it was because “hot girls just have better abilities to make cars pull in. It is a natural talent of salesmanship and has nothing to do with our bodies looking better than the guys or the chubbies.”
“Maybe the girls in the band might try to attract these perverts, but the cheerleaders are out of their league and we don’t want them checking us out (though we still want the fifteen bucks from them to wash their creepy looking vans). It isn’t our fault we have firmer tits and tighter asses than the truck stop waitresses and skanky whores that go for those types of men.”
A representative from the Missouri Department of Education said that “of course males are going to look at skantily clad females, regardless of their age. You often can’t tell how old they are until you get up close. Saying that teenage females cannot wear bikinis to car washes because they might turn on a pedophile is the same as saying that they can’t wear bikinis to the pool or the beach because they might turn on pedophiles. These perverts just don’t want to accept responsibility for their actions and are just blaming the victims again.”
Statistics show that girls in wet and soapy bikinis are more likely to be raped or sexually molested and abused during the summer, when most carwashes are performed, then in the winter. This, of course, may have something to do with teenagers generally not wearing wet and soapy swim tops and doing fund raising car washes during the colder months.