by captain america on 24/01/13 at 3:12 pm
San Francisco, CA – (SatireWorld.com)
Satire World has confirmed reports that a contingent of running backs, wide receivers and tight ends from San Francisco (no pun intended) have contacted the League Office due to concerns over threats of being stabbed by Raven’s line backers Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs during the upcoming Super Bowl Game.
Seems a tweet war started by Suggs, “…them Frisco guys are all p******s from the coach on down and deserved to be stabbed. They’re all arrogant ***************s! If they get through the front line they better be prepared to get cut!”
Suggs was cheered on by a large majority of Ravens fans, and his comments were endorsed by ESPN announcers who recently came out in favor of gay marriage for former soccer players who are now field goal kickers, and in favor of naming centers for being the most disrespected and under rated members of the team for continuing to bend over without complaint in keeping with the network’s new liberal diversity agenda since the election.
Sugg’s girlfriend with whom he has 2 children, got restraining orders against him in 2009 and as late as September 2012 for abuse an threats of bodily harm including, but not limited to, threatening to pour bleach over her head, and dragging her along side his car. After the latest court order Suggs had to surrender his AK-47 and 6 other fire arms to police but he was allowed to keep his collection of hunting, skinning, and skewering knives which he claimed ‘were needed for his day job.’
Lewis on the other hand skated from a murder charge after a super bowl party over a decade ago.
Two men were stabbed to death, Lewis copped a plea, ratted out two of his friends and took probation and a $250,000 fine from the NFL. The guys he ratted out were acquitted, and it was reported Lewis made undisclosed payments to relatives of the deceased. According to NE Patriots wide out Wes Welker’s wife, Lewis has 6 kids by 4 women and is destined for the NFL Hall of Fame.
A spokesman for Commissioner’s Roger Goodell said they are taking the threats seriously, and are now getting some replacement refs ready to take the field fully armed with semi automatic pistols but with no more than 11 shot magazines. “Hopefully, if things erupt, they’ll make the right call,” said Goodell. If not, there’s always the replay!”
“We figure 11 rounds should do it, since only one side has made the threats,” said the spokesman for the league’s diversity staff.”If the offense gets into it, well, we’ve got Tasers!”
The final decision has not been made as ballistic tests on tackling dummies to determine if the league will go with 9mm, 40mm, or .45 caliber to stop any of the anticipated mayhem are on going.
When questioned why the popular .380 round wasn’t being tested, a ballistic expert from the NRA said,’are you shitting me? You think you can stop a 6’6′ 275 pound juiced line backer in battle armor with one of those puny rounds? Be like trying to stop a drug smuggler armed with an AK-47 on the border with a bean bag!” (oooops…sorry BIG SIS!)
Meanwhile in New Orleans, federal officials are considering banning all fans from the game as they don’t want to see any Baltimore fans getting hurt.
Said Sheriff Bo Bumkin, “Yo, boy, this be New O’leans….we don’t want no blood bath to ruin our tourist trade down town. Dem ho’s and pick pockets got a right to work. Here in Louisiana we all be armed….them brothers from up North don’t know to never take a knife to a gun fight!”
Las Vegas has the odds at even, with London Reporter Harold Worth claiming, “the outcome will be determined by some fag kicking a field goal!” Glossy News reporters SFO and Refried say, they’re down wid dat!”