by captain america on 03/02/13 at 2:25 pmNew Orleans, LA – (SatireWorld.com)
In a shocking conclusion to this year’s NFL race to the Super Bowl, the San Francisco 49’s and the Baltimore Ravens battled to an inconclusive tie after 6 overtimes led to no scoring putting Commissioner Roger Goodell in an awkward position.
“Rather than see anymore violence on the field,” said Goodell,” after consultation with Sepp Blatter of the FIFA I am declaring the contest a tie in the interest of Health and Safety!”
The 6 hour contest, including 3 hours of commercials led to the 0-0 conclusion, the removal by stretcher of 11 SF 49ers due to knife wounds, and 7 Raven’s from gun shot wounds in the epic battle described by Bob Costas as ‘all out Chicago trench Warfare.’
The Ravens amassed 375 yards in penalties (22 Felonies) while Joe Flacco threw for 8 yards on 63 attempts, two completions and 17 interceptions for a quarterback rating challenging Mark Sanchez and Tony Romo of Minus 47.
SF quarterback Colin Kaepernick was not able to start the game after being sucker punched by Ray Lewis during the coin toss and didn’t enter the contest until minute 9 of the first quarter.
Kaepernick attempted one pass, a 90 yard throw in the air for a touch down that was called back after SF was determined to have 16 very offensive players on the field. He also ran 67 times for a net loss of 23 yards, but was not sacked once by the Ravens.
While many football fans ridiculed Goodell’s decision leading to rioting and the total destruction of down town New Orleans, gay soccer fans and liberals were besides themselves jumping on each other celebrating their victory.
“Finally in America,” gushed Manchester United fan and publicist Harold Worth before falling down and throwing up, “everyone goes home a winner and no one loses, ‘uman rights, health and welfare, and diversity in action, that’s the ticket, innit? I think I’ll just go and puke in me hat, eh?”
Many american fans saw this coming.
“Gay punters and long snappers, no hitting above the ankles, hugs in the huddles, mass same sex marriages at mid field during half time, transgender cheerleaders, Soccer is now our new national sport’ said the World’s Biggest (American) Football Fan, Bargis Tryhol.
“Don’t say I didn’t tell you so,” said a Dallas Cowboy fan identified only as ‘J-Man’,”I knew the league was going down hill when I found out I could only get hot dogs prepared the Halal way at home games!”
A Well known popular Hollywood entertainment writer under the nome de plume “Abel”, said, “I saw it coming too. When the fans are more interested in Justin Bieber’s measurements than Kim Kardashian’s I knew that football as we knew it was all over and we were doomed to be bombarded
with cute little guys running up and down the pitch in short pants and knee socks.”
Word out of Vegas is that the oddsmakers at the Casinos are not willing to give any of the Billions bet on the game back!
“The fix was in,’ said Al ‘deep pockets’ Sorrentino, front man for the mob in Vegas. “We don’t pay nottin’ on fixes…we’re keepin it all thanks to the new redistribution policy coming out of Washington. Suckers!!”
Odds are 100-1 that the Liverpool Red Sox forget to show up for the heralded game against Manchester United later this month due to 4 team members getting married to each other a day before the contest.
More as we get it.