White House Coup: Jarrett Assumes Command of Crisis Center As N. Korea Prepares to Launch!

by on 31/03/13 at 4:53 pm

Jarrett proposes the first act after a strike is to declare marshal law and intern all Republicans

Jarrett proposes the first act after a strike is to declare marshal law and intern all Republicans

White House Bunker, April 1, 2013 (year of the rat-f****er)

Palace insiders are confirming that in the wake of imminent threats from North Korea, backed with support from Iran, President Obama has had what is charitably claimed to be a ‘Brain Cramp’ forcing him to turn over the defense of the country to Dominatrix in Chief, Valerie “Big Bang’ Jarrett.

Reports from the Surgeon General’s office said the President is comatose, but resting peacefully in a rat infested Veteran’s Hospital surrounded by Secret Service agents and being sedated from what attendants claim was ‘a severe panic attack.’

Members of Jarrett’s ‘war council’ said the President went into a series of seizures after being briefed by the Joint Chief of Staff, the CIA, and Mossad for the first time in 2 1/2 years and learning that he might have to make a decision on responding to imminent attacks on Japan, Iwo Jima, Guadalcanal, Hawaii, American Samoa (a Pelosi Protectorate) and Venice, CA.

Once again Jarrett was forced to take command during a crisis, much like she did during the decision to eliminate Osama Bin Laden when the President’s brain locked up, he broke out in a cold sweat, and couldn’t make a decision to use his 7 iron or a 6 on his approach to the green.’

A White House janitor said ‘it was a hell of a mess. Apparently the President became incontinent, and also lost control of his bowels, right after consuming a bowl of cream of broccoli soup and a whole head of Kale….first we had to get him upright, and then hose him down before we attended to the other mess in the office! I can’t imagine being in the same fox hole under fire with this guy!”

Always a pragmatist, Jarrett was said to have immediately written off the intended targets as ‘collateral damage’ and echoing the president when he was running for re election, said the US was ‘certainly able to withstand a first strike to non strategic assets,’ plainly indicating that the incineration of over 1.5m people were not a major concern to the Chicago slum lord who condemned thousands of minority tenants to winters with no heat or hot running water as head of the Housing Authority.

Showing her leadership, she immediately summoned Dennis Rodman to the White House, appointing him as Ambassador to North Korea, along with a consular ‘dream team’ of Latrell Spreewell, Ron Artest, Allen Iverson and Gilbert Arenas. In coded communiques Valerie challenged Kim yun Yuk, Jr., to a winner take all, last man standing, half court basketball game to settle the looming conflict.

‘There will be blood,’ she intoned, ‘also promising reinstatement to the NBA for the felons if the mission was successful.

Jarrett was said to be ‘extremely disappointed’ when efforts to reach out to Secretary of State John Kerry, and Secretary of Defense John Hagel resulted in ‘out of office’ replies.

Both cabinet members allegedly received contested Vietnam war citations for valor, but as early this morning no one in the administration has been able to ‘ketch-up’ to either.

Wikileaks reports today that VP Joe Biden and ‘Float-us’, Michelle, have been burning up secure lines to Sarah Palin in Alaska to use her contacts to secure safe haven in the vast state in the event of a nuclear attack. According to transcripts grabbed on Twitter, Biden was said to downplay disparaging remarks he made about Palin during the past 5 years saying, “really Sarah, it was just a big F*****g joke, I would really like to shag your arse…your husband is a lucky man!”

Along the entire left coast of America long queues are forming outside medical marijuana clinics with ObamaCare doctors including facilitators from AARP, speedily filling out prescriptions for
the weed to reduce stress amongst the populace.

Reports from San Francisco indicate that any thoughts regarding ‘safe sex’ are being ignored as the streets resemble a carnival in Rio with public fornication running rampant and free condoms being used for parade ballons on Rainbow Coalition ‘end of the world’ floats.

At the University of Chicago, and USC Berkley, white flags of surrender can be seen from the Administration offices amidst signs proclaiming, “hell no, we won’t fight,” and “Don’t NUKE me Bro…we love Kim Chi !”

The department of Homeland Security has reportedly been evacuated and a convoy of 2700 bomb resistant battle tanks was seen heading toward Canada led by a helmet clad Janet Napilatano attired in a camouflaged pants suit in the command vehicle along with Mike Dukakis and 4 of her closest female aides.

Napilatano said she left instruction to remaining staff to release the 10 billion rounds of ammo she’s stockpiled to “American patriots who are better mentally and physically prepared to defend the country in the event of an invasion by the slant eyed gooks!”

According to the Weather Channel Jim Cantori has been dispatched to Japan where it is expected the first ICBMs will fall from the sky. Cantori seemed stoic about the situation, and was clad in the latest LL Bean Thermo Nuclear Nomex Hazmat suit and shielding himself with a wind proof bespoke black umbrella from a custom UK outfitter.

The White House historian said Obama’s last words just after he received the report of the imminent attacks and went comotose were , “ah….um, um, you know, ahm, ahm……hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, aarghhh!”

Kindle announced that demands for the 1957 novel ‘On the Beach’ by Nevil Shute have skyrocketed in just the past 3 hours as Americans ‘hunker in the bunker’ listening to Bill O’Reilly quoting from T.S. Eliot’s poem “The Hollow Men:’

This is the way the world ends…Not with a bang but a whimper.

Dr. Strangeglove, reporting from Tokyo, contributed to this final communique.

So Long. Good Night. Good Luck. And that’s the way it was, April 1, 2013.

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