Once Mothballed US Battleships New Jersey, North Carolina, Iowa, and Missouri Sail Once Again Toward North Korea

by on 03/04/13 at 6:30 am

The Iowa-class battleships are the most decorated combat ships in US Navy history. Fighting in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, and Lebanon. The Captain says the first broadside it will fire at North Korea will contain canisters full of Depends.

The Iowa-Class Battleships are the most decorated combat ships in US Navy history. Fighting in WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Lebanon, and Kuwait.
The Captain says the first broadside it will fire at North Korea will contain canisters full of Depends and little white flags.

Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean –

In a scene reminiscent of a WWII era news reel, four of America’s remaining battlewagons steamed across the Pacific Ocean on their way to combat stations off the shores of Communist North Korea.

Dubbed ‘The Navy’s World Reunion Tour’ by the press, the combined firepower of the four battleships will be joing a vintage fleet un-matched by anything the North Koreans possess and can destroy any airborne threats the communists hurl at them as well including missles and cruise missles.

Citing a newly approved Naval Order of Battle as proposed and implimented by Defense Secretary Chuck Hage, US naval forces will be inserting tried and true hardware into any future worldwide scenarios that call for projected naval power.

“Since we live under the sequestering rules now, we’ll be using much more in the way of proven ‘off-the-shelf assets from now on, ” says Captain Mortimer Hazelnutt, Director of Fleet Affairs in Washington. When fully explained by the under-secretary of the Navy, the ‘proven assets’ are in reality US Navy ships from the past that ‘deserve a second go-around’ in the North Korean waters.

“We’ll be using the first atomic submarine Nautilus again, as well as, the aircraft carriers USS Forrestal and Yorktown. Future plans call for a re-fitting of the Monitor and Merrimac with special-ops units deployed from inside her hull. Plans to use ‘The Constitution’ often called ‘Old Ironsides’ are being considered once designers figure out how to launch missles with extremely hot exhausts from a ship under full sail.

To further underwrite the cost of fighting 8,000 miles away from home, production and filming rights were sold to Steven Speilberg who has placed six second-unit film teams on board the ships to record fill-in pieces for upcoming war movies that might require vintage clips of veteran ships in action.

On the deck of his flagship the USS New Jersey, Admiral Horario Hornblower IV said, ” Look, we’ll be kicking some chink ass that’s still living in 1952 and we’ll be using pretty much the same hardware we had back then too. I look at it as an Even-Steven fight by us using hardware from around the same era. Of course, we’ll cheat like the devil and use modern weapon systems.”



3 Responses to “Once Mothballed US Battleships New Jersey, North Carolina, Iowa, and Missouri Sail Once Again Toward North Korea”

  1. Captain america

    Apr 3rd, 2013

    ….a full helping of those 16″ shells should solve the problem of a lot of those starving ZOMBIES…..wonder if the UK will send their one remaining ship of the line to join up….if they can get the sails fixed
    and remember where they hid the cannon balls and the small arms
    to fire from the rigging…’elf and safety, don’t you know!

  2. Jalapenoman

    Apr 5th, 2013

    I think we’ll be okay… as long as the S.S. Minnow isn’t our Flagship!

  3. Dan

    Nov 17th, 2016

    The North Carolina isn’t an Iowa-class BB, she is an older design. The Wisconsin is the 4th Iowa-class missing from your list.

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