by captain america on 04/04/13 at 11:05 am
Washington, DC -(SatireWorld.com)
Vice President Joe Biden unleashed his inner self this morning as he was involved in a ‘drive by’ past a Korean food mart in Washington which left two South Korean shoppers in ‘serious, but stable condition.”
According to DC police Biden said his act was a ‘warning shot heard round the world’ after he was briefed that ‘some gooks were threatening to Nuke Martha’s Vineyard to disrupt the President’s summer vacation!”
“As I told my wife Jiggly when she’s ‘home alone’, just pop out and fire both barrels from my shot gun to discourage tea baggers like Kim Jung Dung from escalating his war rhetoric up to and including unleashing deadly homing pidgins on the nation’s capitol.
Despite declaring ‘Democrat Dip-Shit Immunity’, police did confiscate Biden’s $95,000 custom Holland and Holland 12 bore double, 2 boxes of double ought buck shot,and his Black Barbour waxed hunting jacket as evidence.
A spokesman for the VP said the London made shotgun was a gift given to the Vice President from a former admirer who later changed his mind after an embarrassing dinner party went terribly wrong and wanted it back, but “Joe being Joe, he refused to return the gun saying “damn it, I EARNED IT!”
Another guest at the infamous party said, “Well, another stupid Cousin…now he’ll have something besides his big mouth to shoot off, Eh?”
A DA in the city said they are considering charges including ‘discharging a fire arm in city limits, civil rights violations, crimes against Diversity, failure to take a gun safety course, and possession of an unregistered firearm while on drugs.’
AG Eric Holder said in defending the Vice President, “we’ll be using the Kerry Kennedy defense regarding the mistaken use of Ambien instead of the little blue pills he usually takes for his morning ‘wake up call.”
“I just wanted to scare the bastards off,’ said a defiant Biden,”I’ve used this method before at home when them damn Mormons came to the door, and they never threatened me again! What’s the big F****g Deal, Eh?”
Bidden was taken to Walter Reid Army hospital after complaining of shoulder pain after he inadvertently pulled both triggers on the $25,000 custom shotgun simultaneously.
The police listed as ‘collateral damage’ Biden’s 12 ton armored Cadillac Escalade which veered out of control and hit a concrete barrier outside the scene after Biden pulled the triggers, ‘scaring the S*** out of his Secret Service Driver who was not wearing ear plugs at the time.”
Senator Ted Cruz took to the Senate podium later in the morning pursue his call for mental health checks on people applying to buy firearms.
“Anyone implanting Chia Plugs in their scalp is definitely impaired,’ said the fiery senator.
Cruz continued: “This is what happens when you allow mentally unstable idiots to pass laws to take away your rights, while they continue to shoot from the hip at the Constitution, not to mention middle class citizens and small business owners just trying to eke out a modest living!”
Jay Blarney (sic) White House spokesman said the President didn’t know about the latest gaffe by the VP, but did confess, “I guess it won’t due F****k all for his chances in 2016,” before turning reporters attention to the latest presidential news concerning Obama’s rigorous ‘training session’ to keep up his mental and physical condition.
In a make-up game 1/2 court game Carney said President Obama shot 1 for 52 from the free throw line, shot a ‘bolo’ from the Presidential indoor paint ball range, and poured too much ketchup on his Wheaties after a work out with Richard Simmons.
Blarney (sic) blamed the Drudge Report, Satire World, Jay Leno, Dr. Carson, and Anthony Weiner for the President’s plummeting popularity ratings in the latest TMZ poll “Chasing the Kardashians!”
Obama now holds a 1 point edge on Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a 10 point lead on Nancy Pelosi, Henry Waxman,and the Congressional Black Caucus.
Sean Hannity, commenting on the poll said, “Diane Feinstein, Harry Reid and Jesse Jackson Jr. are so far behind Obama, I don’t think they’ll ever climb out of the toilet to be a contender!”
Shaky footage of the shooting incident taken by a customer on the way to the market to buy some fresh kim chi, shows the VP’s black limo slowing down in front of the store, and Biden suddenly popping out of the sun roof and snapping off both rounds with the recoil forcing him backwards causing him to strike his head on the roof preventing him from reloading his weapon and causing further damage.
The NRA issued a public statement denying that the Vice President was ever a member, but did verify that 20 years ago he did fail a gun safety course offered by the Delaware state police and also failed a background check due to prior cheating and plagiarism charges denying him the right to ‘purchase, use, abuse,or perform in dangerous circus acts with a weapon of mass destruction.’
Rumors continue to swirl around DC that Biden’s wife has filed for a restraining order against her husband citing ‘continued diminished mental capacity and FOOLISHNESS!’