Recent spate of rapper shootings around the country prompts Obama to act ‘for the children’, Bans Bieber Recordings!
by captain america on 15/04/13 at 4:10 pmWashington, DC – (SatireWorld.com)
The president stated that the shootings threaten the future of the industry, the history of black culture in America, the reduction in the voting population, the Black Shopping Network, and the eradication of role models for our ghetto children who will grow up without a black rapper to worship.
“I know that If I had a son, he wouldn’t look like that white Canadian soda cracker Justin Bieber!’ said an emotional Obama, barely holding back tears in announcing the Bieber Ban.
The Kardashian family strongly backed the President’s sentiments, with Kim Jenner tweeting, “Right on Mr. President, the gene pool is growing short and I fear for my last daughter’s future marriage prospects, pregnancy and shrinking opportunities in the porn industry, not to mention the NBA draft!”
Senator Dianne Fine-stein (sic) immediately demanded more support for the President, vowing to fine the estate of any homeowner who had their guns stolen after they were killed during a home invasion or car jacking.
Backed by Nancy Pelosi, she is proposing a 50% tax on gun oil, holsters, gun cleaning kits, ear plugs, taxidermists, Oreo Cookies and hunting publications catering to proponents of the shooting sports.
Jesse Jackson, Sr., (the one not yet in jail), Al Sharpton, and the congressional Black Caucus proposed new amendments saying that Black Americans should be exempt from any new gun laws so they could buy a weapon to protect themselves….’from themselves.’
“We have met the murdering, thieving bastards, and they are us,” intoned Rev. Wright from his Chicago pulpit during last Sunday’s sermon entitled ” 84/20 or Fight” discussing the redistribution of wealth policy he advocates.
(ed note: Wright is the product of the Chicago public school system, so pardon the math)
Black on Black crime has been the bane of Obama’s shrinking voting base for the past 5 years, and only promises to get worse as reports are now emerging that the shooting, robbing, and raping spree is spilling out into the white suburbs, much to the chagrin of VP Joe Biden who was seen stocking up on ‘Buck” Shot at his local gun store. “Takes some to kill some,’ he quipped at the check out counter as he tried on some night vision googles.
AG Eric Holder announced that the DOJ would benforcing ‘affirmative action’ when it came to future gun sales in America.
“The fact that some of our poorest and mentally impaired can’t afford guns is not right! Gun manufactures and their capitalist tools who sell them have been put on notice…no one can be refused gun ownership on the basis of not having enough money, their criminal record, or whether they’re in drug rehabilitation. With the new taxes Senator Fine-stein (sic) has introduced, that money will be used to level the playing field and put a gun in the glove box of every low riding 79 jacked up Chevy Impala with 22″ chrome wheels!”
Holder said there would also be a quota system demanding that for every white taxpayer who buys a gun, 4 Afro-Americans and 3 Illegal Aliens must be armed ‘in order for diversity and human rights to be upheld!”
Reaction from the business community was immediate.
Armed guards have been placed at check cashing and payday loans shops, convenience stores have shuttered their doors as cashiers have fled their jobs, and local banks have told customers they will all have to use internet banking services for ‘health and safety reasons.’
Obama took a break from his newly installed White House recording studio where he was polishing up his rendition of “I shot the Sheriff’ to decry the disproportionate statistics of black shootings.
“This is America,” lectured the President,”something needs to be done to get the statistics balanced out…putting more guns in the hands of our brothers is just the first step toward white population control and almost as lethal as our own Planned Parenthood abortion clinics where we suck the brains out of the little bastards so they can’t think for themselves.
Obama’s state of the art studio, reportedly costing over $1m, contains the latest in musical mixing technology, voice overs, ten teleprompters and the ability to reproduce the philharmonic orchestra or even a washboard street musician on the streets of New Orleans.
Said Satire World Music Critic Elvis “the Pelvis” Throckmorton, “what’s been created is the World’s Largest Karaoke Machine, strictly for the amusement of the first family and invited left coast guests.”
The first lady, who has often said she wishes she was Rihanna, and the President who often said if he had his life to ‘do over’ he’d prefer to be Robert Mugabe and govern without the ‘headaches’, not to mention be married to ‘several bitches with tight booty’, are said to be spending a good part of the evening, and into the early morning hours, preparing for their life in perpetual retirement, and are set to appear on “the x Factor’, ‘African-American Idol’, and ‘Real Zulu Wives of Zimbabwe.” All the new shows are in planning on CNN and CNBC as they prepare for the next Clinton Era of unexplained deaths, ponzi schemes, and rampant sexual aggression.
According to instructors working with the ‘power couple’ they have a long way to go.
‘Barry’s got no rhythm, can’t memorize a tune without those teleprompters, and he sure ain’t strong enough to tango with Michelle whose got a trunk bigger than a Cadillac Deville and 2 flat feet.”
The first couple, who will make history after 2016 when they plan to swap reproductive organs in the first gender exchange program financed under ObamaCare, say they’ll keep at it until they get it right in order to appear in ‘Prime Time’, mostly on the yet announced new shows.
Ana Wintour has announced Hillary Clinton will be appearing nude on the front cover of Vogue in November 2016.