by captain america on 15/04/13 at 8:38 pmBoston, MA – (SatireWorld.com)
White House spokesman Jay Blarney (sic) met with WH reporters in emergency session to assure the nation that Obama was perfectly safe after a series of explosions in Boston at the finish line of the Kennedy Memorial IRA marathon!
“I want to assure the American people that their President is perfectly safe, and in fact tweeted that he is shooting ‘bogey’ golf after 11 holes! The President expects to complete his round within the next 2 hours since there is no one else on the course, and he expects to be back at the White House in time to address the nation at 8pm, preempting Bill O’Reily and the Fox news channel.” Carney refused to answer any questions from the assembled press.
A Secret Service agent did report however, that the President was really upset when he heard the news, causing him to 4 putt the 10th green.
While preliminary reports are sketchy, what has been reported is that at least 2 people are dead, and 2 dozen injured with at least 10 cases of radical amputation caused by two bombs set at the finish line going off within mere seconds of each other.
The Boston Globe has discounted earlier rumors that the bombs were set as a warning by MTA employees not to mess with their secret pension plans which the local government has not been able to force into transparency, even though Governor Patrick has authorized the raising of the MTA budget by at least $50M to cover ‘future pensions, payoffs, golden parachutes and threats of violence”
Newly minted Senator Elizabeth “Cherokee” Warren, home to lobby for a Mashpee Indian casino license, was said to have been ‘whisked’ from the state in an air force stealth fighter jet from Otis Air Force base and is expected to remain airborne until ‘the dust settles.”
Warren tweeted from 35,000 feet, “unless we raise the minimum wage to $22 an hour, more of this workplace violence can be expected. I hate to tell you I told you so, but I told you so!”
It seems every former and current politician in Massachusetts has their own opinion on who is responsible.
Said former House Banking Chairman Barney Frank, ” these homophobic attacks must stop!”
Blowing each other (up) is simply not the answer. Barney tweeted from his Provincetown summer cottage where he is working as a greeter for the local gay theater where he performs a monologue 3 nights a week in his persona as “Misty Chiffon” in a green spandex body stocking and warbling “I ain’t got no bodeeeeeee!”
Former Governor Mike Du-ka-ka urged the national guard to ‘bring in the tanks…I just love them and would love to roll down Beacon Hill again for old time’s sake!”
Secretary of State John Kerry said he would volunteer his $30m dollar custom ‘swift boat’, for mine sweeping duty in Boston Harbor, as long as he could keep his Rhode Island registration to
avoid excise taxes. “When I ketch-up to the bastards, I’ll shoot ’em in the back’ said the self proclaimed Viet Nam war hero.
The 3 former felons who were Speakers of the House Legislature said they had ‘no comment’, but did say they didn’t think Whitey Bulger was responsible since he’s been locked up for the past year or so after being on the lam in plain sight for 16 years.
For his part, Whitey, head of the notorious Winter Hill Gang said he knows who did it, and would ‘take care of them’ when he was granted his 2nd amnesty by the FBI agent handlers he has been talking to, who all just happen to be Irish.
In order to keep his family heritage intact, Robert Kennedy, Jr. says he’ll now be forced to move the body of his wife Mary, who hung herself because she was married to him, for the third time.
Kennedy said the final resting place will be kept confidential, in case “I change my mind a few more times.’
Joe Kennedy II, who had a close working relationship with Venezuelan oil, was said to be still in that country trying to overcome his grief over he death of Hugo Chavez and the resulting implosion of his ‘not for profit oil scheme’ that paid him $500k a year, plus benefits.
Fourteen year old red headed son Joe Kennedy III (these people breed like rabbits) and newly anointed congressman to replace Barney Frank, has yet to surface, with some saying he was in Rhode Island bailing out ‘Patches” Kennedy, from yet another bar, while others say he was in Rome negotiating a prenuptial annulment from his ‘alleged’ fiance who mysteriously appeared at the same time he announced his candidacy.
Kerry Kennedy, attorney and ambulance oil reparations chaser, awaiting trial on an impaired driving charge after side swiping a CVS truck in an attempt to get it to stop and renew her Ambien medication, is still said to be recovering in an undeclared destination.
Meanwhile, fears that a small explosion in the vicinity of the Ted Williams ‘big dig’ tunnel could knock the few remaining ceiling tiles down on unexacting motorists, has caused the DOT
to post new signs advising drivers to keep a minimum speed of 110 mph through the site to minimize catastrophic construction deficiency damage. “If they go fast enough, they’ll hardly feel the fall,” said Big Dig safety maven Sean O’Reilly who was called back to serve on a $450K consultant basis after previous officials were jailed.
Self described ‘single mom’ Michelle Obama, is said to be safe, along with her two children, after being evacuated to Tijuana Mexico, where the grateful nation has housed her in the vacated Venezuelan embassy along with 3 platoons of black berets from the local drug cartel who have sworn allegiance to “el Heffe, Barito!”
At last report every Irish Pub in Boston was celebrating the impending funeral of Dame Margaret Thatcher with a commemorative ‘Kilbeggan Whiskey with a Black & Tan Chaser’ and couldn’t be arsed to follow the disaster. Said one patron, “Them Kennedy’s, can’t kill em all, eh? Breed like rabbits, them Bastards, eh?”
Visiting UK disgraced reporter,Harold Worth, upon hearing the news about the bombing down at Copley Square, said, “If I can jist git me wits about me and git there in time maybe I can get me bi-line back at Satire World…let me git me hat, bejesus!”