by captain america on 01/05/13 at 8:45 amNew York, NY – (SatireWorld.com)
Staffers at the Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, the UK Guardian, the New York Times and the Chicago Tribune took a non binding vote TO QUIT after reports the Koch Brothers, Rupert Murdoch and Bargis Tryhol were about to buy out the failing publications!
Satire World, the closely held public company based in the outskirts of Orlando, had it’s shares on NASDAQ rise 3000 % in overnight trading, closing at $2.25 on the news, making some staffers millionaires overnight.
Writers for years have been paid solely in stock options which were not worth the paper they were printed on until yesterday’s block buster news!
Some staffers were still in shock, with rural information officer J-man saying, “I’m still dazed and confused, but I think this means I can get rid of my old Remington typewriter and move into the 21st century, not to mention I won’t have to mail in my ‘stuff’ anymore and wait 10 days for publication!”
New writers identified only as ‘Phil” and ‘Brutal’ said they couldn’t believe their luck and new found wealth. “Awesome” they both exclaimed simultaneously during a Skype conference call,
“timing is everything’ said forlorn former stringer Harold Worth..’.I went to git me hat and missed the boat’ a theme echoed by on the ropes Spoof Editor Mark Lowton who is so distraught he’s gone AWOL from his struggling site that hasn’t been edited for a fortnight.
Said Bargis Tryhol, SW editor and publisher, “this is something Rupert, the Brothers Koch and I have been kicking around for years, and the time is now right for the move. All those liberal publications are on the ropes, their advertising revenue is down, and nobody trusts them anymore…lying BASTARDS!”
The failing rags have been plagued by plagiarism, wallowing in progressive misinformation, and have forgotten the tenants of proper journalism after having gone ‘in the tank’ for Obama and his liberal backers, the majority of which have a global socialistic aim for the US, not to mention the imposition of Sharia law on the country.
Conservative stock holders of the affected publications are said to be euphoric over the news, and subscribers for the new shares are said to be ‘queuing around the block on Wall Street!”
Tryhol also revealed that none of the ‘banks to big to fail’ will be handling the deal, thereby keeping acquisition costs down.
“We’re not going to have a debacle like FaceBook,” said the astute banking and journalistic maven, “we’ll be handling it internally through our in house banking arm run by ‘the world’s most interesting man’. Coincidentally, he’s also the man with ‘the world’s biggest line of credit’ not to mention other imposing physical characteristics!”
Tryhol said the consortium would be raising about $1b of acquisition money with personal contributions already at $500M and suggested that the IPO will hit the streets ‘somewhere north off $125…but could go higher due to insane demand!”
Commenting on the unofficial vote from the targeted news outlets, Tryhol was philosophical, “saves us a lot of termination notices and severance pay…we’re going to close the
F*****g joints anyway….we don’t back LOSERS!”
When last seen Chris Matthews had tinkle running down his leg, and President Obama had gone on vacation due to a reported nervous breakdown upon hearing he was soon to lose his support group.
P.M. Wortham, Dr. Victor Nicholas and several other semi-retired writers said they had put in their notices at their current day jobs, would soon be ‘back on line’ after promises of a signing bonus proffered by Tryhol which he said was ‘an offer they can’t refuse!”
Free enterprise and capitalism. PRICELESS!