by captain america on 22/08/13 at 5:19 pm
Fort Benning, GA – (SatireWorld.com)
DNA samples made public during the discovery phase of the ‘Bradley” Manning treason trial have revealed a deep secret in the Clinton heritage that many ‘birthers’ suspected all along and have now been confirmed with Brad coming out as the REAL Chelsea!
An Arkansas mid wife, Amy Sue Mutton-Chop (she kept her maiden name) confirmed just last week that she delivered the twins in the library of the governors mansion and had been sworn to secrecy,given early retirement and a golden parachute while being kept on retainer to be close at hand should President Clinton need ‘a hand’ with any future ill advised out of wed lock pregnancies.
“It was a dark and stormy night, ” Amy Sue recounted during the deposition, “lighting and thunder like the devil his own self was hammering at the windows and doors of hell! Governor Bill wasn’t home of course, but Miss Hillary went into labor early and wouldn’t let me call her husband as she didn’t want him to be in attendance and see her privates. ‘Onst was enough’ she grunted through clenched teeth!’
“Well, it went pretty quick for someone who only had sex once in her life, at least conventionally, she farted twice and there they were! She was quite shocked to see two of the bloody little bastards all at onst, and she axed me what they were cuz she couldn’t bring herself to look.”
“Actually, she seemed quite pissed to tell the Lord’s truth. Well, there’s no getting around this, and I’ve been ashamed and will be to my dying day…she tolt me to pick one and get rid of t’other before Mr. Bill got home….Imagine!”
“I called my in-laws, that be Charlene and Charley Chops, they lived in the outback raising hogs for “Hog Heaven,” that be the best damn pulled pork diner in Little Rock, and axed them if they would take the little guy as they had just lost their only chile when it crawled into the mating pen and was eaten by a mean old sow.”
“I axed Ms. Hillary which un she wanted, a boy or the girl, and she just went kinda crazy saying”what difference does it make now…what’s done is done, you choose the little Bastard!”
“That was the end of that, and the years passed, and I always wondered what happened to the child she made me give away, God knows I think I made the wrong choice..what with that chin, teeth and hair that looked like Debbie Wassermann Schultz was really the surrogate mom!”
“I heard later after Charlene and Charley got run over by a live stock truck on the interstate, that ‘Bradley’, what they named their new kid, upped and joined the service after a rumour over some kind of bestiality going on at the hog farm.”
In a public statement after his sentencing, 35 years, Manning’s lawyer announced the bomb shell revelation saying that Brad really should have been Chelsea, and was thereby taking her name prior to undergoing government (taxpayer) funded gender reassignment.
Said Brad (Chelsea),” I promise to be the daughter my Dad Bill always wanted, and would have been ,if it hadn’t been for that decision my wicked mother made that tragic night!”
A spokesman for Chelsea Clinton said, “Ms. Clinton has authorized me to say that a tremendous burden has been lifted from her shoulders, and she looks forward to coming out of the closet and living the rest of her life as ‘Brad” the brother she never had!”
The Pentagon is currently looking into the Code of Military Justice (AR130-5) to see if the siblings can undergo hormone treatment at Leavenworth Penitentiary together.
“Frankly,” said the military’s Surgeon General, Amy “Black Jack” Pershing, “we’re chartering new waters here. First we had don’t axe don’t tell, then we had it’s ok to come out of the closet, then we have women in combat units, and now rampant sexual assaults against service men by women with raging hormones..I suppose we’ll have an executive order authorizing this!”
According to a SW reporter imbedded in the military, certain DNC aides have reached out to former congressman A. Weiner to see if he’d be willing to be an organ donor to turn Brad into Chelsea.
As Anthony told wife Huma…”Don’t cha love it when there’s a happy ending! Just imagine, my dick will become part of a Clinton dynasty, and Bill’s promised me even a bigger and more photogenic one that I can pump up myself!”
More after the Bris.
Spoof Reporter SFO contributed to this report from San Francisco.