SW Organizes Humanitarian Aid for Devastated Martha’s Vineyard after Obama Tsunami Ruins Local Economy!
by captain america on 12/09/13 at 10:26 am
Martha’s Vineyard, MA – (SatireWorld.com)
In keeping with his image as the Man with the World’s biggest Check Book, SW editor Bargis Tryhol put his money where his mouth is and sent the first installment of aid to the beleaguered island retreat left devastated after recent pillaging by the First Family.
The first respondents on the scene were greeted with both a sense of relief, joy, and unrestrained hysteria when they realized the invasion was over and they were freed after 12 days of captivity, heavy handed police state tactics, numerous body cavity searches while just trying to get an order of fries and full belly clams ($19.95) at local family restaurants.
Martha’s Vineyard, normally home to about 15,000 independent, laid back but hard working taxpayers, found themselves deluged with over 200,000 of President Barack Obama’s supporters during his ill-advised ‘vacation’ all but freezing the economy except for the lucky hotel owners who rented out all the available rooms to the secret service, support troops, assorted ‘body men and girls’ attending the President and the First (extended) family assembled from around the globe.
Security was unusually high due to the fact last years venue was no longer available as it had been sold for over $23M and the current owner, who was not a prominent donor and had no desire to be appointed as a US ambassador to somewhere, refused to rent to the President.
That venue had been secluded easing somewhat security arrangements, but the alternative had the President residing in a house just steps from the main drag of the island necessitating road block detours and complete security checks for neighbors before they were even allowed to leave or return to their own homes.
On the normally pristine by-ways only littered with tourists suffering skin rash after crashing their rented Vespas (75% of hospital treatments in August involved tourists on scooters) the island became instantly gridlocked, restaurant owners were forced to furlough workers, cases of beer remained unopened, thousands of lobsters were released back into the ocean, and the seagulls were treated to bushels of spoiled unsold fresh clams and mussels.
Another shocking byproduct of the Presidential visit was the mysterious infection of the local oyster population causing the local seafood industry to put the little nuggets of delight off limits shortly after the first family went surfing in the serene waters near the valuable oyster beds.
Said Sean O’Reilly, a local waitstaff person, “It’s a bitch, we have our annual oyster shucking festival this weekend, and we may have to import them from Canada so as not to disappoint the natives who always celebrate the return of their island after presidential visits by “shucking and jiving,” it’s a freaking’ disgrace I tell ya!”
A local tour bus driver who says his mother disowned him after he voted for Ronald Reagan, said security has been tight ever since 9/11 and despite the federal government paying for the 2500 foot extension of the local air port, and the installation of 200 miles of ‘border security’ fencing including 8′ chain link topped with razor wire, AIR Force 1 had to be stored at a ‘Secure Facility’, meaning it had to be ‘sequestered’ at Otis Air Force base on the mainland.
The requirement necessitated the Marines to supply seven (7) unmarked helicopters to transport the President and his Family, 3 actually used, and the other 4 flying as Decoys, in order to protect the president from possible attacks from anti-aircraft shields allegedly supplied by Vladimir Putin to Occupy Wall Street (OWS) protesters holding a local cemetery which is a shrine to the recently entombed Hollywood Icon John Belushi.
With the crowds in scenic downtown Edgartown back to normal, vendors were all but giving away cartons of Chinese made T-shirts,although “I Vacationed with OBAMA , MARTHA’S VINEYARD 2013 ” were still not flying out the door, but Bush t-Shirts “Miss Me Yet?” were seen in prominence on curious tourists disembarking the Vineyard Ferry from the mainland.
With living costs 63% higher than the mainland, and 32% of the island’s income arriving in the last two weeks of August, the devastation to the economy was severe causing a rise in unemployment rolls, food stamps, and a demand for EBT cards.
With gasoline approaching $5 a gallon many inhabitants were wondering how they would get through he winter unable to afford to heat their houses.
Mr. Tryhol said he had authorized the construction of the Keystone Pipeline to commence, and he would pay for the underwater pipe to be installed from Mashpee, on the mainland, to the island as his gesture of good will after Obama’s
unfeeling action had crossed Satire World’s ‘Red-Line!”
“In the meantime, “said SW’s spokesman Philbert of Macadamia (POM) ‘with fall coming on I suggest all of the Obama voters still on the island bundle up with all those left over Barrack T-shirts until help arrives (or till hell freezes over).
John Kerry, Secretary of State, said Obama’s visit and the result was ‘way overblown…the President’s impact on the Island was but ‘a very, very, very, small political event that little if any effect at all” while vowing to talk to Francois Hollande to arrange a boat load of snails to replace the tainted oysters lost to ‘inadvertent pollution’ by the first family who have yet to learn ‘you just don’t s***t where you eat!”
Next up for the President’s job killing policy? Shutting down Macys in NYC during Christmas week for a shopping spree for Michelle and ‘the kids!”
More as John McQuisling’s and Li-Lo Graham’s recall elections heat up.