Middle East Peace, At Last!

by on 17/01/14 at 8:51 pm

It might not be thje Nobdel Peace Prixze, but Xec retary Kerry acce;pted the GOLDEN DOUCHEBAG AWARD last night at a star studded gala in Hollywood

It might not be the Nobdel Peace Prize, but secretary Kerry accepted the GOLDEN DOUCHEBAG AWARD last night at a star studded gala in Hollywood

Suva Fiji Islands- (SatireWorld.com)

US Secretary of State (SOS) John Kerry completed the last leg of his world trip to meet with Fiji government leaders. He had already met with government leaders in Tehran, Iran; Riyadh, Saudi Arabia; Cairo, Egypt; Jerusalem, Israel; Damascus Syria; Moscow, Russian Federation; and Beijing, Peoples Republic of China. He carried a Middle East peace plan.

President Obama originally approved the Middle East peace plan via his cell phone, while on the 18th hole at the Congressional Country Club in Bethesda Maryland. SOS Kerry then traveled to various world capitals to sell the plan to world leaders and to receive their approval.

The first part of the plan is modeled after the British Indian Empire partition of 1947. Two states India and Pakistan were created, where Muslims went to Pakistan and Hindus remained in India. The second part of the plan is based on George Orwell’s 1949 book, 1984, where the concept of “War is Peace” would be implemented. The third part of the plan is to have an independent enforcer make sure all parties live up to the peace plan, like the Robot Gort in the 1951 SCI/FI motion picture (Twentieth Century Fox) “The Day the Earth Stood Still.”

World leaders all agreed that the biggest impediment to peace in the Middle East is the schism between Muslim religious sects and the constant physical sectarian strife between the two factions that has been going on for 1,400 years. This strife was exasperated by the haphazard British/French Middle East country partitioning following WWI. Therefore, the Eastern Caliphate with its capital located in Tehran Iran and the Western Caliphate with its capital located in Riyadh Saudi Arabia are to be created. Borders are to be determined in one year by negotiations.

Migration of Muslim coreligionists (including suicide bombers, Jihadists and Islamic terrorists) to either of these two autonomous regions is encouraged. The Russians and Chinese are to be responsible for travel arrangements, buying and selling real estate, hopefully completing a peaceful population transfer in one year and then selling weapons to both sides.

Egypt had opted to remain neutral and peaceful, letting their Muslim citizens decide whether to migrate or not to the Eastern Caliphate or the Western Caliphate. Egypt had been designated responsible for monitoring that neither the Eastern Caliphate nor the Western Caliphate persecute Christians, Jews or any other non-Muslim religions. However, the Obama administration’s lack of a Middle East foreign policy has mucked up US relations with Egypt, precipitating a military takeover, rendering such an undertaking infeasible.

Additional Obama administration Middle East foreign policy naivety has also resulted in a flawed six month agreement (“Rials for Radiation”), with the Iranian government supposedly ceasing their nuclear weapon development program. This event may also affect the timely implementation of the peace plan, as Saudi Arabian and Israeli defense officials have been observed chatting!

SOS Kerry worked the phones, convincing the Republic of Ireland’s political leadership in Dublin to replace Egypt as the neutral participant. Ireland agreed to provide the observer force that will be responsible for monitoring that neither the Eastern Caliphate nor the Western Caliphate persecutes Christians, Jews or any other non-Muslim religions. If attacked, Israel would also be permitted to unilaterally defend itself.

At the end of one year the residents of the Eastern Caliphate and the Western Caliphate may once again resume killing each other, but only within the confines of both their borders and without Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD), such that “war is peace” for the rest of the region and the world. Think of this conflagration as a continuation of the 1980 to 1988 Iran Iraq War, until the last man is left standing or peace breaks out.

The Ireland observer forces will aggressively monitor that neither the Eastern Caliphate nor the Western Caliphate violates the external border conditions and WMD restrictions.

In the event of any violations or transgressions of the rules by the Eastern Caliphate or the Western Caliphate, Ireland observers would initiate Gort. Gort is the code name for the three US B2 Spirit bombers located in Fiji, on long term lease to the Fiji Air Force. Conventional munitions are to be employed to punish minor transgressions. New START treaty left-over small nuclear weapons are to be employed to punish major transgressions, requiring that US presidential approval is received from the Golfer in Chief.



2 Responses to “Middle East Peace, At Last!”

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    Jan 19th, 2014

    Before Barack Obama was elected president our enemies feared the US, but respected the US; our allies respected the US and followed US leadership.

    After Barack Obama was elected president our enemies don’t fear the US or respect the US; our allies don’t respect or trust the US and ask what US leadership (from behind)?

  2. Philbert of Macadamia

    Jan 6th, 2016

    Life imitates fiction?

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