by captain america on 03/03/14 at 10:53 pm
Chechnya National Airport – (satireworld.com)
To no one’s great surprise a dazed and confused Secretary of State, John Kerry, landed without incident to confront Vladimir Putin over the Ukraine cluster only to find that he had landed in Chechnya instead of Kiev!
Thousands of militant muslim Chechens on hearing the news poured out on to the tarmac just in time to hear Kerry, arms up raised proclaim in his best boarding school french: “Je suis un Tchétchénie et je suis là pour vous aider * during a JFK fantasy flashback moment!
Chechnya, another backward tribal country in a centuries old conflict with mother Russia, has been a thorn in Putin’s side for over a decade as separatists have mounted hundreds of terrorist acts against Russian control and just for the hell of it.
Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov, an avowed ‘moderate’ Muslim whipped the crowd into a frenzy and began a human wave as they all shouted, “Heinz, Heinz, Heinz, Hmm, Hmm, Hmm!”
A small gathering of disidents shouting “Hunts, Hunts, Hunts” were quickly herded away to waiting riot wagons and from there to who knows where.
According to local Jihadist insiders Kerry is considered a type of cult hero after his recent attacks against Israel, and rumours he was in Chechnya to discuss open trade agreements and a lucrative foreign aid package now that Obama/Hagel have freed up a lot of ‘previously wasted cash on the US Military/Industrial complex.”
Kerry was honored with a ceremonial suicide jacket after deplaning and meeting on a Persian prayer rug, before being “whisked away’ by an unseen power leaving the throng thinking they had seen yet another Lady of Fatima religious event!
Headlines from Pravda screamed that Kerry had defected and was seeking asylum. Kerry was quoted by the expelled US ambassador to Russia as saying, “I’m tired of being given all of Obama’s s*** jobs…let him clean up his own mess’, a comment eerily similar to VP Joe Biden after he was dispatched to sign up Canadian tourists for Obamacare during a recent mid-west medical pep rally.
Reports from the White House that Obama has had yet another panic attack and had retreated to the Presidential Bunker with his Play Station and World of War game has not yet been confirmed.
* I AM a Chechen, and I’m here to help!