Overheard at Kerry’s Ukraine Burger Summit: “Vlad..you want ketchup with those fries?”

by on 07/03/14 at 10:12 am

"Who's yer Daddy Barry!"

“Who’s yer Daddy Barry!”

Kiev, Ukraine – (satireworld.com)

Making good on his promise to be ‘more flexible after I’m re elected’, President Obama had Secretary of State John Kerry host a Russia/US/Ukraine lunch summit in Kiev with the US picking up the tab thanks to new found money recovered from the shrinking Pentagon budget.

Site of the meeting was the newly opened McDonalds in down town Kiev, miraculously spared damage after the recent riots which deposed the former president on a $25,000 salary vacationing in his personal $75M mansion on the outskirts.

Despite a group of OWS socialists brought in from Moscow and NYC to hold signs demanding a 650 rupee an hour ‘living wage’, the gathering crowd was peaceful amidst hopes that Putin would back down shortly after Kerry used a Heinz squeezable ketchup bottle to pour ‘a red line on the linoleum.”

According to an imbedded SW staffer posing as a counter person, most of the talk between the two was about the friendly rivalry over their upcoming Nobel Peace Prize nominations.

Kerry appeared to be cajoling Putin to renounce the nomination in order to cement his own legacy and possible run for the Presidency in 2016.

Putin allegedly said ‘Nyet’, but Horse-face persisted saying, “I won’t take Neigh for an answer…how bout if we give Hamas the West Bank, Assad some additional aid, cut military aid to Israel and get Morsi out of jail free?”

Putin looked pensive while crushing a 12 oz Stella bottle with his teeth and appeared to be thinking it over while he chewed the glass, while an obviously nervous Kerry was unconsciously squeezing ketchup all over himself in a reprise of his Vietnam ‘wounds’ and 3 Purple Heart awards.

Vlad then looked Kerry in the eye with a wolf like glare and said, “just how flexible will you be if I help DeBlasio in getting you elected in 2016?”

At that point Kerry choked on his McNuggets, spit food all over his suit before going down on one knee and kissing Putin’s middle ring finger, and in typical Harvard fashion kissing Putin on both arse cheeks in the French tradition.

With that the meeting broke up, but not before Putin ordered 300 Big Macs to go telling the staff, “put it on President Lurch’s tab…I left home without my American Express!”

Waving to his followers, Putin strode purposely to the door where his body guards were waiting, paused at the door, and to Kerry said, “Thanks dear, let’s do dinner next time!”

And that dear reader was how Vladimir Putin ate our lunch!



2 Responses to “Overheard at Kerry’s Ukraine Burger Summit: “Vlad..you want ketchup with those fries?””

  1. Philbert of Macadamia

    Mar 7th, 2014

    Alas President Obama can’t go to Florida this weekend and play golf, as he has to stay home and deal with Vladimir Putin over the Ukraine crisis.

    The Rev. Jesse Jackson says go, playing the race card, as you can trust Vladimir since he is not a” White Russian!”

  2. captain america

    Mar 7th, 2014

    ….Putin calls for a SUMMIT!

    Bets he can bench press Michelle’s Arse 125 times while Barry can’t even ‘get it up once!”

    Tells Barry: you wouldn’t even medal in the para-olympics despite a prosthesis on your 3rd leg in the 3 legged sack of S***race!

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