by Bargis Tryhol on 07/05/14 at 9:26 am
Boston, MA – (SatireWorld.com)
Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Medical School published a jaw-dropping study showing proof-positive results on what makes a person’s mind think in liberal political terms. After an exhausting 10 year study, over 5,000 local Bostonians and university students were given tests and DNA samples were taken in an effort to disprove several current theories. The opposite results startled researchers including Dr. Adam Feidler who wrote a 4,500 page peer reviewed paper on liberal thought patterns and its effect on the brain.
According to Feidler, the word ‘libtard’ is now appropriate to use in describing a person with liberal-based thoughts, since over 88% of all subjects tested who considered themselves liberal tested positive for the B5634 gene which points to an irreversible and acute mental retardation process that effects the cerebellum regions of the brain. The cerebellum is long thought to have the human thought and personality process which determines a person’s personality.
The report, and subsequent published paper, has shook up bastions of liberals in places far from Washington, DC where a contingent of high profile politicians have vowed to have the gene therapy in order to win re-election in 2014. Senators Harry Reid, Chuck Shumer, Barbara Boxer, and Nancy Pelosi appealed to other like-minded Congressional leaders to sign a pledge to rid themselves of what they referred to as a ‘treatable disease.’
In Hollywood, the Movie Review Board has vowed to only approve Liberal-free movies in the future. All producers, directors, and actors will have to be certified as ‘liberal-free’ in a process similar to being certified Halal or Kosher.
In places like Seattle, San Francisco, and New York life-long liberals have begun the process of moving to Vancouver Canada in an effort to find a refuge where like thinkers can share stories and give comfort for those contemplating the gene therapy which many comsider not only expensive, but painful due to the lobotomy-like use of an 600 volt electric shock coupled with a long heated needle.
The Affordable Care Act does not cover the procedure, now simply referrred to as ‘Democrat Palsy.’ There is a sunnyside to the story because the public need has caused an economic windfall for some business’. The national Business Federation claims it has opened a new revenue stream for retailers like WalMart which have thousands of locations and a well respected auto service center that can perform the procedure in under 15 minutes and just charge $19.95.
WalMart employee ‘Thud’ Morgan, who supervises a service center in Memphis, says, “Many people are getting their tires rotated and an oil change while received the process. Sometimes we even sell some wiper blades!”
An at home kit from Ronco is on the horizon in 2015 once FDA approval is given.