Harold Worth Reporting From the World Cup: “Great Britain Eliminated From World Cup”

by on 21/06/14 at 6:47 pm

Soccer fears

Worth claims he hasn't cried this hard since the Nazis invaded Peral Harbor.

Worth claims he hasn’t cried this hard since the Nazis invaded Pearl Harbor.

British team mates (top photo) blame the embarassing loss on too many transvestites allowed in team locker rooms causing inattention amongst the notoriously homosexual British players.

(Brazil) – World Cup

As part of Satireworld’s desire to be international and cover news all around the globe, I am currently working in Brazil to cover the World Cup. This is, other than the Olympics, the most viewed sports tournament on Planet Earth! Instead of giving you “blow by blow” actions of the games and in the locker rooms and hotels with the players, I will be covering the human interest stories from the fans, the players, and the citizens and residents of Brazil.

I know that I am supposed to be covering the human interest stories from Brazil, but this latest sucks! The team from Great Britain, the team that is the moral compass of the sport (in spite of hooligan fans), the team featuring several players from the Premier League, the team that was the favorite of many Man. U. fans to win the whole darn thing… has been defeated and is going home without a victory!

I am literally crying in my beer (as the Americans would say).

There is no more reason to be here. There is little reason to live the next four years, outside of more beers, the Premier League season, and seeing the new crop of sheep at the petting zoo. Life has lost its purpose.

I don’t know if I will stay at the World Cup. Without the ability to romp with my heroes, upholding English culture to the unwashed world, there is really no reason to be here. Life’s a bitch.

Didn’t the other teams know that we are better than they are? Didn’t they know that we were supposed to win? Sure, Spain was a favorite and was also eliminated without a win or a tie, but they are just “spain” and we are “GREAT Britain!” We ruled the waves and the seas and the sun never set on the British Empire. Then, revolutionaries in Godless places like America and India tried to take it all away from us and the Chinese expected us to honor a contract/treaty in Hong Kong.

Our empire may be no more, but at least we were still better than everyone else in Football! At least we were among the best in the world!

Not today.

I’m probably going to hear it from Bargis and Cap and Jman and the rest of those loathsome Americans at this publication that they won their first match and are still alive. Americans are still alive in the World cup while the Brits are going home? Oh, the agony!

I must keep a stiff upper lip and stay dignified for Queen and country, but this sucks! It really sucks!

Harold Worth, Live from South America, and planning on getting piss drunk off my ass.



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