by Jalapenoman on 01/07/14 at 7:04 pm
Peoria, IL – (satireworld.com)
The latest people to write the Emily Post, Amy Vanderbilt, Ann Landers, Dear Abby, and Hints from Heloise column have all joined together to create a guide for etiquette in the 21st century.
Said Wanda Skiles of publishing company Harper and Monrow, “Things have changed since I was a little girl. Ladies no longer wear gloves. It used to be that you could not wear white shoes after labor day. Now it is okay as long as they are Reebox or Nikes.’
Some of the new rules are as follows:
Old: It is not proper for a lady to allow her panties to show. Underwear is supposed to be worn underneath.
New: The top of the back of the panties should be readily visible when a female bends over or sit down. The strap of the thong should be pulled up above the belt line of pants to be seen at all times. Men’s pants should sag, allowing everyone to see the top four to six inches of their underpants.
Old: Sit like a lady at all times, keeping your legs together and modestly exiting a car. Always put on clean underwear before leaving the house.
New:…unless you will be photographed getting out of a car while going to a party, then leave the underwear at home and wear a loose, revealing, accessible dress.
Old: Never eat with your fingers. Always keep your cloth napkin in your lap whenever you are dining. Use the proper utensil for the proper course.
New: Don’t take more than two paper napkins per person at the fast food restaurant. Always eat your KFC cole slaw with a spork. Remember that everything else is finger lickin’ good.
Old: It is not polite to point.
New: Don’ get caught by your teacher, parents, or boss flipping the bird.
Old: Men do not wear earrings, make-up, or necklaces, carry purses, or wear silk underwear…
New: …when they are mowing the yard.
Old: Men cut other men’s hair, and are called barbers. Women cut other women’s hair and are called beauticians.
New: Only old men in plaid pants visit barber shops. Everyone else has their hair cut by stylists at Super Cuts or by a gay man with a bad accent.
Old: For church, weddings, or funerals, women wear dresses and men wear white shirts and ties (with suit coats in the colder months). Boys and girls will follow the example of their parents.
New: Those who choose to attend a church on Sunday should wear clothing appropriate to their after services activity (swimsuits, jeans, jogging suits, etc.).
Old: No girl, after reaching puberty, should ever be out in public braless.
New: No girl, after reaching puberty, should ever wear clothing that cannot display at least one bra strap (unless she chooses to let the girls hang free and go braless, which then requires that the top be see-through).
Old: It is improper to swear in public, especially in front of older people, children, or the opposite gender. This has nothing to do with freedom of speech, it is just proper.
New: Remember to respect everyone’s freedom of speech before the Patriot act finishes taking it away (unless it is politically incorrect, then it is open to ridicule). As far as swearing… anything goes!
Old: Remember that everyone is afforded equal protection under the law. Crime and punishment do not discriminate.
New: …unless they are a minority, celebrity, or sports star, then they can get away with murder, rape, drive by shootings, perjury, embezzlement, theft, arson, or anything else they feel like.
Old: Proper young men and ladies will wait until after marriage before taking personal liberties with their own and each other’s bodies.
New: Anything goes between consenting adults and teenagers, as long as there are no children involved (below the age of consent) and the animals are not permanently harmed.