by Mark Lowton on 01/08/14 at 3:32 pm
The following Editorial is an apology from the editor and owner of England’s on line humour magazine: The Spoof.
by Mark Adam Lowton
For the past few years, I’ve been a real dick to everyone. I have run off most of my friends and the people that worked with me and for me. I’ve banned writers from my publication for little or no reason. I’ve gone out of my way to treat Americans like shit. I’ve been inconsistent in just about every aspect of my life.
Now I know why. I’ve got Mad Ebola Cow Disease.
I was reading an article on Gummi Bears in Wikipedia and came across the following sentence:
“There has been concern that gelatin in most gummy bears may harbor prions, particularly those that cause bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE) in cattle and new-variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in humans. Most of those infected cattle came from a little village in Africa…Ebola.”
Yes, it’s true. I now have Mad Ebola Cow Disease. People used to accuse me of having me “hoof in mouth” disease, but I’ve got the full blown condition.
I used to blame my not being able to stand up on my drinking problem, but now I know it isn’t because I live on a diet of sammiches and beer… lots of beer. I used to blame my headaches on hangovers from excessive drinking of that same beer. I used to blame my deteriorating mental state on, well, my drinking and my gay lifestyle. I used to blame my S.T.D.s on the boys I hang out with (oh, wait, that one isn’t due to Mad Cow).
Now I know better. It is all from the Gummi Worms.
For years, I’ve eaten them for breakfast in a bowl with milk on them. I’ve put them in my lunch and eaten them with my sammich (and even put them on me sammich a time or two). I’ve even dipped them in my beer and had them as a midnight snack. I never thought about the gelatin aspect or the consequences.
They say that this can be sexually transmitted, so I don’t know how many of the writers that I literally bent over for have it also (I’d suggest Skoob1999 get tested pretty quick).
I am currently undergoing treatment at a lab and veterinary clinic here in Lancaster. Every day, they are giving me shots and rubbing my crotch down with a special udder cream (the only aspect of my treatment that isn’t painful). The branding was probably the worst part, but I’ve moved past that. I do have all the hay I can eat and get to wear this really cool bell around my neck. I have been promised that there is a 95% success rate for this experimental treatment.
In the future, I promise that I will become the woman I once was (err… that should say “man”). I promise that I will be a nicer, gentler Mark Lowton. I promise that I won’t ban people willy nilly or delete forum posts or shut down the forums. I promise that I won’t play mind games with the writers or let my brother Paul do so either. I promise that I will be fair and consistent in the way that I treat people. I promise that I won’t disappear from the site for days and will respond quickly and professionally to my e-mails. I promise to begin paying my writers for their work, since I am making a buttload of money off of their contributions. I promise to offer an olive branch to the writers I have wronged, especially the Americans, inviting them to come back to the site and restoring their stories and their points (and paying them for all the money they made me). I promise that I will….
Ah hell, who am I kidding? I’ll probably still be an asshole when this is over. Now, moooo-ve over and pass me a beer, dammit!