Supreme Court Rules Large Black Athletes Giving Nerdish White Students Wedgies A Hate Crime

by on 11/08/14 at 5:47 pm

 Tyrone and Kwamye Jones aren't pleased that whitey caught some slack from some old guys in the DC.

Friday’s Fried Chicken Fascination

Tyrone and Kwame Jones aren’t pleased that white nerds caught some slack from some old guys in the DC. In the future they’ll just cut their nuts off.

Wedgies, locker stuffing, and nuggies are all part of Herman Klump's life as the Supreme Court cracks down on black asshats

Wedgies, locker stuffing, and nuggies are all part of Herman Klump’s life as the Supreme Court cracks down on black asshats

The Supreme Court Washington, DC – (

In a world where everything done against a Moslem, Gay, Minority, Mentally Handicapped, or Overweight person can be considered a hate crime, the Supreme Court added a new category to their protected list: nerds. In a 6 to 3 vote, the highest court in the land ruled that large black athletes giving wedgies, swirlies, or stuffing nerdish white boys into lockers can now be considered a hate crime.

This ruling is a first for the judicial system, as whites, Christians, and males have never been a protected class under any laws of hate speech, hate crimes, or discrimination.

In a vote that was split along physical lines, and not by party affiliation, the six members of the court who said that the action was a hate crime all admitted to being bullied in school. The dissenting three voters offered the opinions that “boys will be boys” and “hey, let the kids have some fun.”

Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, the A.C.L.U., Green Peace, A.C.O.R.N., The United Auto Workers (U.A.W.), and Barack Obama were all shocked by the decision. The President went on record saying that “it was the worst thing that the court had done since supporting Hobby Lobby in a birth control case.”

Al Sharpton claimed that nerds would be on the prowl to be tortured and humiliated, calling their actions “race baiting.” Jesse Jackson stood, using alliteration and rhyming to basically say something nonsensical and unintelligible before smiling and sitting back down (and then giving himself a standing ovation).

Student athletes at Dunbar High School in Fort Worth, Texas rioted at the announcement, with the football team charging into a Calculus class and giving each of the students (male and female) what can best be defined as an “atomic wedgie.” While most of the students were crying or embarrassed, one girl (Nancy Turner’s name is being withheld upon request) said that she was wearing a thong and thinks that she lost her virginity due to the undergarment being pulled so tight.

At a Philadelphia school, the basketball team charged into a science club meeting, “pantsed” the club president, and ran his underwear up the flag poll. His glasses were also broken in the altercation and will now have half an inch of masking tape in the middle to hold them together, complicating his future harassment at the school.

In New York City, all physical education classes were cancelled and guards were put in bathrooms to prevent protesting students from giving swirlies to those in the gifted and talented programs.

Members of math clubs, science clubs, audio visual clubs, and the National Honor Society are warned to be on the lookout as hate crimes against them are projected to escalate into possible riots. It is also suggested that they not carry their lunch money with them at this time. Pocket protectors and scientific calculators should also be left at home.

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