by Jalapenoman on 12/08/14 at 6:01 am
New York City, NY – (satireworld.com)
Former First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State verified her frigid condition to the world with her latest lawsuit. The potential Presidential candidate spilled a twenty-two degree McDonald’s milkshake in her lap and sued the fast food chain because of the burns that she suffered.
“This is off the record, but… I’ve been saying for years that she was colder than a witch’s tit and that the woman didn’t have a hot box down there,” laughed husband Bill to reporters.
Clinton was treated for second degree burns at a New York City hospital before being released. Doctors and E.R. nurses that treated her were later treated themselves for frostbite.
The case reminded many of the woman who spilled a cup of hot coffee on herself and then successfully sued due to burns. The milkshake in question this time (chocolate), however, also carried no warning label that the contents might cause burns due to high temperatures.
Frigid women everywhere came out in support of Hillary (as if anyone else would come out in support of her!). The Boston chapter of N.O.W. planned on picketing a local McDonald’s restaurant, but cancelled when they learned that Ellen Degeneres was interviewing both Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’Donnell on television.
Meanwhile, former House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi sympathized with Mrs. Clinton. “I usually get a strawberry shake on cold, winter days and put it between my legs when I need to get warm; it heats me up. I have never spilled it, but I have come close to feeling the sensations.”
Huma Abedin Weiner admitted that she will be the one to rub the burn ointment on Hillary’s private areas daily. “I’m the one who does most of the rubbing down there anyway, so it isn’t really a new job for me.”
McDonald’s and other fast food chains immediately announced that they will print warning labels on their cups to keep this from happening again. They also said that they will experiment with lowering the temperature of their frozen desserts to help protect frigid customers in the future.