by E. Williams on 15/08/14 at 3:45 pm
Denver, CO – (satireworld.com)
Fresh off her success at making the nation’s school lunch program a complete and utter failure, Michelle Obama has found her next muse for taking over more control of a segment of the American population.
The FBI has released a report which finds nearly 8 in 10 police officers across the country are overweight. That’s all the First Lady needed to hear. Already, she has begun to form a legislative plan to force new feeding guidelines on police forces everywhere.
If her plan succeeds in failing as spectacularly as her school lunch program, which has resulted in millions of dollars of food being thrown in the trash and wasteful expenditures being forced on the nation’s school districts, the effects will be far reaching.
So far, Mrs. Obama, who has never been elected to any office, has decreed that all donuts shall be made gluten-free by using 100% whey, dirt, a pinch of hope, and a dash of change.
In addition, she is suggesting that all officers park their cars at least 100 yards behind any motorist they pull over for traffic violations – the walk will do them good.
She also thinks it would be a good idea if, when answering an emergency call, even though it might waste precious life-saving time, they take the stairs whenever possible. Her legislation would make it a misdemeanor for any officer caught hitching a ride on an elevator or escalator.
All law enforcement personnel will receive a generous 5% discount on all food at Whole Foods stores and will be forced to take gardening classes each year to encourage them to grow their own food at home. Organic is the name of the game.
Finally, the FLOTUS wants to replace bullets with chickpeas. Also known as the garbanzo bean, chickpeas would not be fatal when striking a criminal and, while an officer is handcuffing an apprehended felon, they can inform said felon of the fantastic Italian, Greek, and Portuguese cuisine using chickpeas the perpetrator might consider preparing for dinner – after they get out of jail.